


The Big Bad Bills Affair

by alynwa



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26866483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alynwa/pseuds/alynwa
Summary: Agents Solo, Kuryakin, Dancer and Slate are assigned a mission in Washington State.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

Napoleon and Illya were waved through to Mr. Waverly’s office by Lisa Rogers who was on the phone as they entered her space. Napoleon smiled briefly at her before gesturing to his partner to go ahead of him. The pneumatic door slid open and they espied their boss, back to them, sitting at his communication console behind his desk.

“Gentlemen, good morning,” he said before turning his chair to face them. “There is coffee and some Danish on that cart. Help yourselves; Miss Dancer and Mr. Slate are on their way.”

“Thank you, Sir,” they responded in unison. The two longtime partners had a non-verbal conversation as they walked to the coffee urn. Illya’s raised eyebrows asking clearly (to Napoleon, anyway) _Why are April and Mark being assigned with us?_ and Napoleon’s slight headshake replying, _I have no idea._

Just as they took their seats, the door slid open to reveal April followed by her partner. Mr. Waverly extended his arm toward the coffee cart in invitation and once they had gotten coffee and pastries and had sat down, Number One began to speak.

“Section 4 has garnered intelligence indicating our fine feathered friends in THRUSH are currently operating some type of lab in northern Washington State; somewhere near Colville in the Colville National Forest. They weren’t able to ascertain what exactly this lab is manufacturing or testing; only that it is there. Your mission, Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin, is to find that lab and destroy it.”

Napoleon cleared his throat and asked, “Agents Dancer and Slate will be assisting us, then?”

“Not exactly, Mr. Solo. The closest UNCLE Field Office to Colville, Washington is in Boise, Idaho; an eight-hour drive, so Miss Dancer and Mr. Slate will be in Colville to provide backup if needed. You and Mr. Kuryakin will be vacationers renting a cabin while Miss Dancer and Mr. Slate will be posing as an eccentric couple on a road trip searching for items to sell in their antique shop.” He dropped two packets on the Lazy Susan table and turned it until they were in front of the agents. “Your identities and backstories are there along with your travel arrangements and where you will be expected to establish yourselves. You will be flying commercial on different flights into Boise. Miss Dancer and Mr. Slate, you will be met by Boise UNCLE agents who will provide you with your recreational vehicle. Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin, you two will fly on to Colville where you will rent a vehicle to take you to the campground. Your flights leave in three days. In the meantime, I expect you all to finish up whatever paperwork you have today and report to Section 8 first thing in the morning to begin preparing for the mission. Good luck.”

The four agents knew they were being dismissed. “Thank you, Sir,” they replied in unison before exiting with the senior agents leading the way. They got on the elevator and when it stopped on Illya and Napoleon’s floor, Illya stepped out, then turned when his partner tapped his arm. “Mark, April,” Napoleon said, “Our flights leave Friday morning; plan on having dinner at my place Thursday after work. I’m assuming we really won’t see much of each other while we’re prepping for this affair and I definitely want to touch base before we leave.”

Mark and April exchanged a glance before Mark replied, “We’ll come over right after work and we’ll bring the wine.” 

Napoleon stopped blocking the elevator door and just before it closed, he smiled and said, “Sounds like a plan.”

Thursday evening found the four agents in Napoleon’s apartment. Dinner had been takeout of several varieties: Chinese, Italian, Ukrainian and American burgers and fries. “Napoleon, you are very dangerous for a girl’s waistline! I am _stuffed!_ That’s what I get for trying to keep up with you guys!”

Napoleon raised his wine glass. “Never let it be said that a guest of mine didn’t get enough to eat.”

Illya clinked his glass against his partner’s and added, “I will take some responsibility for your current plight; Napoleon is used to feeding someone with a large appetite.”

Mark spoke up from his spot on the couch. “I don’t know about you blokes, but I intend to wrap some of this food to eat on the plane, if you don’t mind, Chief.” At Napoleon’s headshake he said, “I claim the veal parm heroes for my partner and me.”

“Good. Napoleon and I will eat the rest for breakfast.” Illya refreshed everyone’s drinks and when he sat back down, said, “How was your prep work? Do you feel ready?”

“As ready as we can be,” April said, “We each spent eight hours over the past two days learning how to drive a forty-foot-long RV. If I don’t make it as an agent, I can always get a job as a bus driver.”

The four laughed at the joke and then Mark added, “We also had a crash course in antique Americana so we can recognize things that are collectibles. My wife Adelaide and I are well to do eccentrics who like to drive around the country buying and selling things we find interesting. We also own an antique store back home, which happens to be Mansfield, Connecticut. If anyone asks, we’re in Colville to check out the antiques scene.”

Napoleon took a sip of his wine and said, “We haven’t been properly introduced; my name is Peter Michaelson and this is my friend Sebastian Townsend. We’re from New York. I was born and raised there and Bass, as I call him, is a New Yorker by way of England. I’m recently divorced and Bass here is ridiculously devoted to his wife ( _Illya waggled his wedding ring at that_ ), but decided to accompany me on a fishing and hunting trip on the opposite end of the country to distract me from the pile of crap that is my life.”

Illya bowed slightly in his seat and said, “A pleasure to meet you. And who might you be?”

April smiled and replied, “My name is Adelaide Murphy and this is my husband, Colin.” She broke character and laughed. “We were told that we’re getting a high – end RV as part of our cover. Accounting just yelled at Mark’s and my expenditures during ‘The Yellow Ribbon Affair’ last month.” 

Napoleon rolled his eyes. “Accounting is going to have a _fit_ over this affair. A luxury recreational vehicle for you, the cost of an open – ended cabin rental for Illya and me plus our car rental and the cash and credit cards we all have to carry, in addition to our usual expenses.”

“But Darling, Mark and I are supposed to be a couple wealthy enough to underwrite our travels even if we can’t find things to sell. And they’re trying to figure out how to save money; we are expected to pick you up at the affair’s conclusion so you can ride with us back to Boise since we have to take the RV back.”

“Just make sure you keep all your receipts; I don’t want to have to defend our expenses.”

Mark replied, “We will, not to worry. So, we told you what our prep was like, how was yours?”

“Not too bad. We flew up to the Local Proving Grounds* and spent the last two days becoming outdoorsmen. We familiarized ourselves with 30.06 rifles, fly fishing techniques and equipment, erecting tents and identifying the sounds of various wildlife.”

Illya stretched his arms out and arched his back until some of his bones cracked. “We also practiced starting fires indoors and outside, chopping wood and identifying edible plants. There is a chance we might have to camp out while looking for this lab. Section Eight outfitted us with camping gear and clothing suitable for northern Washington in late September.”

Napoleon checked the time. “It’s starting to get late. Let’s pack this food up; Mark, you and April take what you want. You should be arriving in Colville eight to ten hours after us, so let us know when you arrive.” When the junior agents nodded, he added, “We’re going to be staying at the Warren Cabins which is just past the northern edge of town. If we’re lucky, we won’t see each other until the affair is concluded.” 

Illya muttered under his breath, “Now, you have probably jinxed it.” Aloud he said, “I have my backpack, so I will stay here if you do not mind, Napoleon.”

“Of course not.” He and Illya walked Mark and April to the door where the men all shook hands and Napoleon and Illya briefly hugged April. “Good luck and we’ll speak in Colville.” 

*the Local Proving Grounds were first mentioned in my tale, “Like a Phoenix from Ashes”


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, the CEA and his partner were on a Pan Am flight to Boise. They had been pleasantly surprised that Accounting had sprung for a non-stop flight from New York’s LaGuardia Airport. The flight from Boise to Colville Municipal Airport arrived at four - thirty in the afternoon. They rented a pickup truck that Illya drove while Napoleon handled the map and gave directions. 

They stopped at a local market and stocked up on supplies; water, toilet paper, canned goods, bread, cold cuts, pasta and chocolate, the last an impulse buy by Illya, before getting on the road heading to the Colville National Forest and the campground. When they arrived, Illya parked the truck in front of the cabin with the “Check In” sign and the two men entered.

There was a blonde woman who looked to be about twenty – five years old who had glanced up and smiled at the two handsome men before her. “Hi! Welcome to Warren Campground! I’m Kathy. How can I help you?”

Napoleon, who had answered Kathy’s smile with a dazzling one of his own, replied, “Hello, my name is Peter Michaelson and my friend here and I want to rent a cabin to do a little fishing and maybe some hunting. Got anything available?”

“Oh, absolutely! We have several available including the cabin right next door and three directly across from this one.”

“Ah, I was under the impression that you had cabins that are a bit more isolated. We’re interested in one of those.”

Her smile faded. “Well, um, _yes,_ we do have cabins that are farther into the woods, but…”

Illya had stepped up to the counter. Eyes gone wide with curiosity he said, “But, what?”

Napoleon wasn’t sure if Kathy was awestruck by the Russian’s eyes, or he made her nervous or a combination of the two. She seemed to shake herself and replied, “I think I better let you speak to my Dad. Be right back.” She stepped back to knock on an office door behind her and entered. After a few minutes, a man who looked to be about fifty with thinning hair and a thickening waist walked out followed by Kathy. 

“How y’all doing? I’m Marty Warren. My daughter told me you’re interested in renting one of the cabins farther out in the woods.”

Illya stuck his hand out to shake the man’s hand. “Good to meet you. My name is Sabastian Townsend, but I answer to Bass. And yes, we are interested in something more isolated than what we see here. Is there a problem with renting one of those cabins?” Illya was shocked when the man started to blush. “Is there something wrong with the cabins?”

“No, no, they’re as well – kept as the ones you see here; it’s just…well, people have had problems there this time of year. About four years ago, we rented one of the remote cabins to a family; father, mother and two kids about eight and ten years old. Showed it to them, they loved it, paid for a week in advance and checked right in. Six AM the next morning, they were back here saying they were too scared to stay and wanted their money back. They carried on so badly, I gave them back two thirds of their money just to get rid of them.”

“Did they mention what had unnerved them?” Illya asked.

Marty blushed harder. “They swore it was a Sasquatch.”

Napoleon’s mouth fell open. “A Sasquatch? You mean a _Bigfoot?_ ”

Illya smiled. “And you believed them?”

“No, not at all. They were city slickers from Los Angeles so I figured they probably heard bears or elk and freaked. I went up to the cabin they had rented and I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. I just wrote it off as them not being used to night noises in the woods and being isolated, especially when no one else I rented the remote cabins to, including that one, complained the rest of that season.”

“So, what changed?” Napoleon asked.

“The next year, four separate parties complained that weird roars and screams were coming out of the woods at night. One group said it sounded like whatever was making the sounds was right inside the tree line just out of their sight. Another guy said he let his dog outside to pee when some animal started growling and his dog took off after whatever it was and never returned. He didn’t ask for his money back, but he left two days earlier than he had planned. Last year, I decided to go up myself to see if I could detect a problem.”

“Let me guess,” Illya said, “You saw nothing.”

“No, I didn’t, but…I got the distinct feeling that I was being watched. I don’t know if you know this, but Washington State has the most Bigfoot sightings in the country.”

“But, to be clear,” Illya said, “you have never seen one.”

“No, I haven’t, but there are people in Colville who swear they have. There are several Indian tribes that live on the Colville Reservation and their legends say that Sasquatch live in the mountains of what is now the Colville National Forest and points north into Canada. They also say that the creatures come down from the mountains in the summer months to mate and don’t leave until late October. I’m not originally from around here; I bought this campground and moved here from Oklahoma seven years ago. Based on what my customers told me and the local legends I heard, I decided last year to discourage people from going there in the summer months. I understand you two want to rent one of the remote cabins. Are you certain I can’t interest you in one of these here in the circle?”

Napoleon glanced at Kathy and then leaned in closer to Marty. “May I speak to you,” he flicked his eyes at the woman again and then looked back at her father, “man to man?”

Marty nodded and said, “Kathy honey, could you give us a few minutes?”

“Sure, Dad. There are some calls I need to make,” she answered before going into the office and closing the door.

“Thanks. Without going into too much detail, I just got divorced. It wasn’t something I wanted…”

Marty said, “I understand; I’m divorced, too.”

“Then you understand that I’m really not feeling very sociable. Bass here,” and the smile Napoleon gave Illya was full of the real affection he felt for the man, “came by the single room I’m renting since getting kicked out of my house and said that he and his wife had talked it over and he was dragging me across the country to do the fishing and hunting trip we had been talking about doing for years, but could never get the wives to agree to go or let us go unsupervised.”

Illya spoke up. “Peter and I have been friends for years. I told him it’s not healthy to stay isolated and cooped up, so I think a change of scenery will do him some good. We may live back East, but we are both experienced outdoorsmen. We both brought rifles along with our fishing gear. I’m sure we will be fine.”

Marty stood there looking at both men for a few moments. “Tell you what. I’ll lead y’all up there and show you the place and if you feel comfortable, fine and if you don’t, I’ll put you up in the cabin at the end of this circle. I know what it’s like to not want to talk to strangers. How long you want it for?”

Napoleon smiled. “I’ll pay for one week and if we decide to stay longer, I’ll pay at the end of that time. I really, really appreciate this,” he said as he handed over his credit card.

Ten minutes later the two agents were back in their pickup truck following Marty’s Hunter green Ford Mustang up a wide smooth dirt road. “So, what do you think, Tovarisch?”

“About what?”

“About what Marty Warren had to say about Bigfoot being around here in warm weather.”

The Russian snorted. “It sounds like exactly the thing THRUSH would use to their advantage to keep people away. According to Section 4, this lab may have been here for years. What better way to stay undiscovered then to buy into and spread the local legends about Sasquatch? We will probably discover speakers wired up into the trees to frighten occupants of the cabins that are close to their lair.”

Napoleon shrugged. “Maybe.”

Illya took his eyes off the road and Marty’s car long enough to look askance at the man beside him. “You can’t possibly _believe_ this nonsense!”

“Illya, you and I both know things have happened that neither one of us can explain. What if this is another one of those things? The legends were here long before THRUSH.”

Before the Russian could formulate a reply, Marty turned left and there before them, stood a cabin. They pulled up alongside their host’s car and stepped out into the comfortable evening air. It was just past six – fifteen and the sun was low in the western sky.

The cabin, to Napoleon’s relief, was much more than he had hoped for; it sat in the middle of a clearing with the tree line about twenty – five yards away on all sides. There was a large pile of neatly stacked wood for what he assumed was a fireplace and perhaps, a pot – bellied stove. It was larger than he thought it would be.

“Okay, guys,” Marty said, “that road we just turned off goes about another mile and change into the woods before it stops. There are hiking trails that start back there that will take you way back into the woods. If you’re not used to walking distances, I would advise that you not go but so far. There is a pond north of here and a decent size stream east of here. Let’s go inside.”

They followed him to the door that he unlocked with a key he handed Illya. Opening the door wide, he motioned for the agents to go in first. “I apologize for the dustiness of the place; I wasn’t expecting to rent it out before mid – October. I can have Kathy come up tomorrow to run a dust cloth over the place.”

“Not necessary,” Napoleon said, “I’m not a housekeeper, so I better start getting used to dust.” He laughed at his own joke as Marty and “Bass” joined in. “This is great, not as rustic as I thought it would be.”

“Nope. People want to experience the Great Outdoors as comfortably as possible nowadays. You have running water and electricity, but I wouldn’t count on it during a storm. Here’s the master bedroom, the second bedroom, your bathroom; no tub, but the shower gets good and hot. Notice that you have shutters inside and out to cover the windows. There’s a phone, but service isn’t reliable. The number to the main office is taped to the handset. And like I said, you can’t always count on having power, so if I were you, I would limit what needs to be refrigerated and if you have a cooler, I would make a habit of keeping ice in it in case the power goes. Oh Bass, I see you’ve discovered the books. You’re welcome to take what you want; I only ask that if you brought something to read, you consider leaving it for the next renter. Any questions?”

They looked at each other and then shook their heads at Marty. “I want to thank you again, Marty, for allowing me to be able to truly get away from it all. We bought enough supplies in town to last a week, especially if we catch fish which I intend to do. We’ll touch base next Friday either heading into or returning from town.” He stuck his hand out and Marty shook it, then shook Illya’s.

They walked with him outside and waved goodbye as Marty drove away. After a few moments, they unloaded the truck and brought everything inside. The sun was behind the trees; it would be full dark soon.

“Why don’t I start dinner while you do a security check and put our things away?” Napoleon suggested. “I’m hungry and if I’m hungry, you must be starving.”

“You know me so well, Napoleon,” Illya replied as he picked up their backpacks. They spend the next few hours settling in and getting acclimated. Illya had started a fire and made up the beds.

Napoleon had made a pot of rotini and topped it with a tuna sauce livened up with lemon juice and zest, parsley and red pepper flakes. He toasted some white bread that he had sprinkled with olive oil, garlic powder and Italian seasoning. It was a simple meal, but filling. Wine would have been the perfect accompaniment, but since they were working, there would be no alcohol unless the job called for it.

“I’ve been giving some thought to how we should approach this, Tovarisch. I think that tomorrow morning, we should pack sandwiches and drive to the end of the trail and then strike out to see if we see anything THRUSH – like to investigate.”

“Sounds good to me, Napoleon. I’m going to bed. See you in the morning. Good night.”

“’Night, Partner.”


	3. Chapter 3

April and Mark had arrived in Boise on an earlier flight than Napoleon and Illya and been met by Agents Tom Smith and Steve Farrow, the Section 3s assigned to the Idaho field office. After the introductions were made, they were driven to a municipal parking lot nearby the Boise VA Medical Center. At the far end, a recreational vehicle was parked. “Welcome to your new home on wheels,” Steve said.

Mark whistled in approval. “Blimey, we got trained on a forty – footer, but I didn’t think we’d actually get one for this mission!”

April had grabbed the keys from Tom and headed inside. “Oh wow! Mark, you have to see this!” she squealed delightedly. When he stepped up into the RV, his eyes widened in surprise. April said, “Let me point things out like the car girls do at the New York Coliseum Auto Show!” She spread out her arm and put on a perky voice. “Notice the gorgeous brown shag carpet that matches the beige walls! And here we have a _lovely_ dinette table with benches and storage cabinets directly above! Here we have a fully equipped modern kitchen with a four – burner range and oven, a double – door fridge _and_ a double sink. We even have a built – in toaster and coffee maker! This is amazing!”

Mark had caught some of his partner’s enthusiasm and had moved past her to the back of the vehicle. “Well, Madame, for your traveling pleasure, you will find we have a very large bathroom complete with sink, shower and a toilet.”

“Ewww, Mark, please don’t ask me to empty it, ever.”

Mark laughed aloud. “If I end up being the one to deal with that disgusting little chore, I’m going to expect you to do all the cooking and cleaning.”

“I don’t even care, it’s a deal.” She looked at Tom and Steve. “Speaking of which, before we head out, we need to stop at a supermarket to pick up some supplies. Steve, could you ride with us to the store with Tom following? That way, we can leave straight from there. It’s an eight – hour drive to Colville, right?”

“Yes, it is,” Steve said, “but you’ll be glad to know it’s a straight run up I – 84 West to I – 90 North.”

By the time they reached the highway, it was just past three o’clock. April preferred driving during daylight hours, so she was behind the wheel. Since they would be on the same road for four hours, Mark had abandoned his navigation duties to unpack and put away their groceries and clothing. He joined her finally, sinking into the passenger chair next to her. “Well, Ducks, everything is put away. I took a look at the owner’s manual I found; both of these seats turn completely around which essentially makes them part of the living room. Oh, and the closet is huge.”

“Nice!”

“Bedroom’s tiny, though, but I guess it makes sense; why would you want to stay in bed all day in this thing? ‘Ow is she handling?”

“Just like the one we practiced in, no problem at all. While you were in the back, I was amusing myself by smiling at the truckers passing us by. I don’t think they’re used to seeing a woman handling something this big. There were two guys holding up a sign to meet them at the next truck stop! I think they’re in love!”

“Well, Luv, let me know if you want to join them so I can figure out what to tell our CEA. Ow!” Mark rubbed his arm where she had punched him. “That ‘urts!”

“Keep a civil tongue in that cheeky little mouth of yours or you’ll get another one!”

The sun set just after six – fifteen and April pulled into a rest area so they could switch places. They used the opportunity to make something to eat and take quick showers and change into fresh clothing. They got back on the road with Mark at the wheel at seven – fifteen. “Barring any unforeseen circumstances, we should be pulling into Dead Medicine RV Campground between midnight and twelve – thirty AM,” he said. “They’re supposed to be open twenty – hours a day, which is great. The brochure said it no one’s around, just close the gate behind us and they’ll catch up with us at some point; probably after sunrise.”

“This is a great location to back up Napoleon and Illya; they’re based on the southern end of the Colville National Forest and we’ll be on the western side,” April said as she perused the map spread out on her lap. “But in the meantime, we have to look like antique hunters.”

“When I looked at that brochure, it showed that there are a ton of antique shops on Main Street and Route 635, so our cover will hold up to scrutiny. I’m ‘oping that’s all we’ll ‘ave to do: Buy antiques and then pick them up to drive back to Boise.”

“From your mouth, Darling,” April replied. “I know they wanted us to let them know when we arrive in Colville, but I’m betting they’ll be asleep by the time we get to Dead Medicine. I say we contact them at six tomorrow morning; I’m sure they’ll be awake by then.”

“I agree. We’ll get ourselves situated and be ready to back them up first thing in the morning if they need us.”

They arrived at the gate to the RV park just before twelve – thirty. April hopped out to open and close it after Mark drove through. They continued in about half a mile and pulled into a clearing. “Huh,” Mark grunted, “Seems like we’re the only ones around.”

“Sounds good to me,” April replied. “Let’s turn in; six AM will be here soon enough.”

Mark nodded agreement and the two agents began to secure the RV for the night. The small windows in the bedroom had curtains that closed for privacy. In the main body of the vehicle there were three large windows: the windshield, and six – foot by three – foot windows on either side of the living room area. Those could all be covered by wooden louvers that were rolled down from their storage spots over the glass.

April covered the windows and secured the louvers by locking them down while Mark opened the skylights on the top of the RV to get fresh air. There was a battery-operated fan in the bedroom that they planned to turn on to keep air moving and them cool without the air conditioning.

Once they were satisfied that they were secure, they quickly stripped and got into bed, placing their Walthers on their respective nightstands before turning out the lamp on April’s nightstand. They were so used to sharing a bed while on assignment, they felt no self – consciousness at all. It had been a long day; getting up to go to LaGuardia Airport for their almost five hours long flight and then making an eight-hour drive had fatigued them both and they lost no time dropping off to sleep.

Mark didn’t know how long he had been asleep, but he was awakened by a noise that seemed to be right outside the RV. “April!” he whispered, “Wake up!”

April came awake and started to say something when Mark’s hand gently covered her mouth. “We’ve got company,” he said softly.

A snuffling sound reached their ears. “It sounds like something is sniffing the RV,” April said, _sotto voce,_ mimicking her partner’s tone. “Maybe a wolf or coyote.” The sound, which Mark first heard directly opposite his head, now began to move along towards the front. 

“Do you hear those footfalls? It sounds two – legged.” His eyes had adjusted to the almost pitch blackness; he could now see the stars and some moonlight shining in from the skylight. He grabbed his gun from the nightstand and was internally debating how to confront whoever was outside, when the side of the vehicle was hit by something that now began to growl. “Maybe it’s a bear standing on its hind legs, maybe that’s why that hit sounded like a slap with a hand to me. Maybe if I raise a louver and shine a light on it, it’ll spook and run.”

April had also grabbed her gun and sat up. “Or, it may get angry and strike the window and break it! Darling, I think the best course of action here is to stay quiet and hope that it gets bored and leaves. If it’s a bear, it could very well be a grizzly. Our weapons don’t have enough stopping power for a grizzly.”

“That’s certainly true, Ducks.” He looked above them and said, “God forbid it manages to get in, but if it does, you get out that window while I hold it off and then come up behind it and shoot it.”

April nodded, quickly grabbed her pants and shoes and put them on while Mark covered her and then she did the same for him. All the while, whatever was outside continued sniffing the RV and occasionally hitting it as if testing its strength. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the noises outside stopped and they could hear something large moving away until they heard it enter the trees and the sound faded.

“Okay, that was freaky,” Mark said. “It sounded like it walked away on two legs; would a bear do that?”

“I’m no expert on bears, Darling, but I’m not aware of bears moving long distances on their hind legs. What are you doing?”

Mark had gotten off the bed and grabbed the flashlight. “I think I should go look around.”

“Absolutely not!” she hissed. “I don’t know what that was, but I’m guessing it can see better in the dark than we can and it was certainly bigger than we are.” She checked her luminous watch. “It will be dawn in about three hours. That’s soon enough to check things out.”

Mark sighed. “You’re right, I suppose, but I don’t think I’ll be getting much more sleep.”

“Me neither, Darling.” 


	4. Chapter 4

Six AM found Napoleon showered and dressed. His partner was in the shower and he was waiting for him to finish dressing before he scrambled eggs for breakfast. He had already fried bacon and made coffee, a cup of which he was now sipping. When his communicator began to chirp, he assembled it one - handed and answered. “Solo.”

“Good morning!” April’s voice came through, “How are you two doing here in the wilderness?”

“I’ll let you know. I take it you are now in the Colville area?”

“Yes, as of twelve – thirty this morning. We’re in the Dead Medicine RV campground on the western side of the national forest. We didn’t get as much sleep as we would have liked. A bear was stalking around our RV, woke us up and stayed for what felt like forever. I wouldn’t let Mark go outside with just his gun.”

“I suggest that you, Miss Adelaide, and your husband Colin add gun shopping to your “To Do” list. Walther P - 38s were made to stop humans, not large animals.” As he was talking, he opened the cabin door and stepped outside. The sun had only been up fifteen minutes and he could hear the birdsongs of several species all around him. “April, as much as I love talking to you and seeing you, I’m hoping sincerely that I’ll do neither until I have to call you to meet us to return to Boise. Do your scheduled check ins with HQ and don’t contact us unless you have vital information or you run into a problem you can’t handle.”

“Yes, Agent Solo.”

He always appreciated how April could go from playful to business just as quickly and easily as he could. She was better at “reading the room” than Mark was, but he was improving in that area since being partnered with the first female Section 2 agent. “And Mrs. Murphy? Try not to spend all of our UNCLE’s money.”

April did giggle at that before replying, “Understood. Dancer out.”

Napoleon put his communicator in his chest pocket as he turned to admire his surroundings as the birds continued to sing. He began to amuse himself between thinking about how to approach the mission by attempting to identify the birds around him. _Mockingbirds. Those are mourning doves._ Suddenly, a high-pitched shriek sounded off in the distance, followed by a similar sound even farther away. _Hmmm, that sounds like cranes, they can be found around water…_

“Napoleon!” He startled and looked abashed as Illya came alongside. “While you are out here woolgathering, I am inside starving.”

“Oh, please, Bottomless Pit, there’s bacon in there.”

“There _was_ bacon. Have you heard from Mark and April?”

“Yes, they’re about twenty – five miles away on the western edge of the forest.” He looked around again and frowned. “The birds have stopped singing.”

“Because you made me bellow for you. I am ready for eggs and toast, if you do not mind.”

The two men went inside and Napoleon fixed eggs, toast and since his partner had indeed eaten all the bacon, he fried more. “I think the best way to handle this is to use the daytime hours to look for the lab and then, once we find it, use the night time hours to surveil and destroy it.”

“That sounds good, Napoleon,” Illya said as he took another piece of toast, buttered it and used it to swipe up some of the yolk on his plate. “I assume we will be starting today?”

“No time like the present. After we eat, we’ll load up the truck with our fishing and hunting gear and head down to the end of the road Marty told us about, hike over to the pond, and see what we can see.”

Forty minutes later, the agents were in the truck bouncing down the dirt road heading deeper into the forest. “It’s a good thing this road only goes another mile, mile and a half; my kidneys couldn’t take much more of this!”

“Stop complaining, Napoleon! This road is a pleasure compared to some roads in Siberia.” He slowed down and pointed ahead. “Interesting. The road does not end so much as it narrows.” He brought the pickup to a full stop. “I do not think we can drive in any farther. We will have to walk from here.”

They got out and grabbed the rifles they had put in the back seat. Just as Illya was about to get the fishing gear they had placed in the truck bed, Napoleon said, “You know what? Let’s just take our guns for now. If there’s anyone out here to question us, we can just say we’re getting the lay of the land.”

“And the 30 odd 6s we are carrying?”

“There are large predators out here; we’d be foolish to _not_ have large caliber weapons with us. Illya, before we go; turn the truck around now so we don’t have to do it later.”

The Russian was about to ask what difference would it make, but something told him not to question his partner’s decision. One thing he had learned from his years of partnership with Napoleon was that sometimes, Napoleon made spur of the moment decisions that worked out in their favor; call it Solo’s Luck or Spy’s Intuition or Good Karma, more times than not, in hindsight, it was a good thing they did what they did. Instead, he dutifully climbed back into the driver’s seat, turned it around and then backed it up so it was now a few feet from the narrowed path facing the direction they had come from.

He picked up his gun from the passenger seat and alighted from the truck again. “Are you satisfied now or would you like me to find a valet?”

“I’ll let you know. Come on, this THRUSH outpost isn’t going to find itself,” Napoleon said as he led the way deeper into the woods.

They walked down the path about two and a half miles. Even though it was early September and still warm, the canopy of the trees provided a pleasant coolness and shade to the point of semi – darkness; speckles of sunlight hit the forest floor and both men found their eyes were constantly adjusting to the absence then sudden presence of light.

They crested a rise and stopped to drink from their canteens. “It is truly beautiful here,” Illya said after taking a few loud swallows of water. “The birds singing, the squirrels scolding, it is all very relaxing.” He looked farther ahead. “What is that structure there on the right?”

Napoleon looked where Illya was pointing and smiled. “That, Tovarisch, is something that might save us from tramping around the woods all day. Come on!” He led the way double time down the hill until they arrived at a large tree with steps hammered to it that went to a bench approximately ten feet off the ground with a wooden railing around it. “This is what is called a deer stand, Partner Mine. A hunter sits here and waits for deer to come nearby.” He climbed up to the stand and said, “Pass me those binoculars, please.” He stood and looked around. “Well, what do you know?”

“Do not keep me in suspense; do you see something or not?”

“I’m estimating about three miles away, there’s a clearing with a cabin set back against a hill with three THRUSH soldiers in front of it smoking.” He laughed. “Solo’s Luck strikes again! I wouldn’t have noticed the cabin at all if it hadn’t been for those ridiculous jumpsuit uniforms their soldiers wear.”

“Sometimes, I think UNCLE should adopt something similar; it would certainly be cheaper than replacing your custom-made suits all the time.” He smiled in response to the glare sent his way. “This cabin you see is approximately six miles away from our cabin, it would seem that we will have to plan on spending the night in the woods in order to attack.”

“I think you’re right.” Napoleon was about to say something else when the hairs on the back of his neck stood up; the woods had gone dead silent. “Illya,” he whispered.

“I know; we are being watched. You have the high ground; do you see anything?” The Russian was suddenly feeling very exposed on the path, but there was nowhere to hide without leaving his partner’s side. He knew when the woods went quiet like that, there was a predator in the area.

Napoleon slowly moved in a circle searching the woods for a sign of who or what might be watching. He blinked when his eyes alighted on something unusual. “Illya, one o’clock.”

Illya looked where Napoleon indicated and at first, saw nothing. He was stunned when his eyes adjusted, to see a large creature approximately ninety yards away, staring at them. It was two – legged, appeared to be ape – like, between eight and ten feet tall, and covered with blackish fur. “Bozhe moy! What is that?” He pulled his rifle off his shoulder and cradled it in his arms. “Get down from there, Napoleon!” he whispered fiercely.

“I think that’s a Sasquatch!” He dropped down soundlessly next to the blond. “We need to get out of here, but don’t run. We couldn’t outrun it and running might incite that thing into attacking.”

Both men now had their rifles in hand as they began backing away from the stand the way they had come. They took turns looking behind them to guide themselves back up the hill. The creature had stepped out onto the path, but had not moved to chase them, but it continued to stare at them. Just as they reached the top of the hill, the Bigfoot emitted a high – pitched keening shriek that echoed through the woods.

“Oh my God!” Napoleon whisper – shouted, “I’ve heard that noise before! I thought it was a crane!” To both men’s horror, an answering cry came from somewhere off to their right and they could hear something large moving through the trees towards their general direction.

“Run!” Illya said. “We need to run _now!_ ”

Clutching their weapons tightly, they began to race back towards the road. The whole time, they could hear loud cracks behind them like tree branches being broken and once or twice, knocks like a branch hitting a tree trunk.

Suddenly, Napoleon tripped and fell, his rifle flying out in front of him. “Dammit! Keep running, Illya!” he gasped. “That was an order!”

Illya had turned back to help his partner to his feet. “You can write me up later. Come on!” He pushed the CEA ahead of him and bent down to retrieve Napoleon’s rifle. That was when a deep growl emanated from the woods to his left. It seemed like whatever was growling was less than twenty feet from him. 

He picked up the rifle and caught up with Napoleon. Without breaking stride, he handed the rifle back to him as they continued along the path. He estimated they were about half a mile from the truck. A large rock flew across their path from the right side of the woods and struck a tree, pushing both men to run faster.

They burst out of the path onto the road and Napoleon was never so happy to see a vehicle in his life. “I’ll cover you!” he shouted as he jumped into the truck bed and pointed his gun behind them as Illya leapt behind the wheel, started the truck up and put the truck in drive, causing Napoleon to fall forward just as another rock struck the vehicle and landed in the bed beside him. 

Illya drove as fast as he dared halfway back to their cabin before stopping long enough for Napoleon to get into the cab. They rode back in complete silence. When Illya shut off the truck in front of their cabin, they sat there speechless for minutes.

Suddenly, Napoleon started and touched Illya’s arm. “Let’s get inside.” They gathered all their gear, entered the cabin, put everything down and sat on the couch.

“We have to talk about this, Napoleon.” When the CEA nodded, Illya said, “You said you had heard that noise the creature made before; when was that and where were you?”

“This morning when I was outside talking to April, I heard several different types of birdsong and when I heard that sound, I thought it was some kind of crane. There’s no way I could have heard the creature from where we saw it, so it wasn’t that far from here.”

“What are we going to do, Napoleon? It’s not even noon and we have been chased out of the woods by _two_ of those things!”

“I’ve been thinking about that, Partner. We weren’t chased; we were _herded._ If either one of those Bigfoot had wanted to catch us, we’d be dead. They made sure we kept it moving out of their territory. The scary thing is: Where we are right now could be their territory. What if they come here?”

“I know.”

“It’s not like I can call Mr. Waverly and tell him we can’t complete the mission because Bigfoots won’t let us enter the woods! Sasquatch or no Sasquatch, we have a job to do!”

“I know.”


	5. Chapter 5

April closed her communicator after her conversation with Napoleon and looked at her partner. “I think we should shower and dress and maybe by the time we’re done, someone from the Office will be here to register us.”

“Sounds good. Ladies first.”

Mark made coffee while April was in the bathroom. He went outside with his cup to look at their surroundings. The scenery truly was gorgeous; trees and mountains green from the summer rains and glowing in the morning sun. He had parked in a dirt clearing near a picnic table. He walked around the RV and was stunned by what he saw. He was still staring when April exited the vehicle.

“The shower’s all yours, Darling.”

“April, look at this.”

She came alongside Mark and saw footprints circling the RV. “These are bear tracks?”

“I don’t know. They don’t look the way I pictured bear tracks to look. I thought bear tracks would look more like ‘uge dog paw prints. These look kind of… _’uman._ ”

“Yeah, if that human had three toes and abnormally big feet.” She gasped. “Did you hear what I just said? Big feet? What if these are Bigfoot tracks?”

He stared at her. “ _Bigfoot_?” He shook his head. “If you had said that a few years ago, I would have thought you’d gone daft, but after the adventures _we’ve_ ‘ad, I don’t put anything outside the realm of possibility.”

“I’m going to take some pictures of them and then get rid of them.”

“Good idea. We should be getting company soon and I don’t want to lose the option of staying here.”

April went to get her camera and took several pictures. When she was satisfied that she had documented the prints sufficiently, she used her hiking boots to erase them. “I’m fine, Darling; you better go shower and dress.” Mark nodded and went inside. She followed him in, placed her camera on the dining table, poured herself a mug of coffee and went back outside. 

She could see a family of deer calmly eating grass just outside the tree line about seventy – five yards away. It was quiet in a good way: Birds were singing, and a light breeze moved the leaves slightly. The sun was up and the few clouds in the sky were large and puffy like cotton balls. She was pulled from her reverie by the sound of an approaching vehicle.

A Jeep came into view and she put her mug on the picnic table. She was fairly certain this was probably a staff person coming to register them, but she was prepared for trouble; her Walther was in her holster at the small of her back. She also knew without a doubt that Mark was inside with his gun drawn.

The Jeep came to a halt about twenty feet from her and a young man who looked like he could still be in high school jumped out. “Hi! Welcome to Dead Medicine! My name is Robbie Jones, how are you?” He approached and stuck out his hand.

“Well, hello, Robbie! I’m Adelaide Murphy, pleased to meet you!”

“Same here.” He handed her the clipboard he had in his left hand. “We need you to fill out some paperwork.” She sat down at the picnic table while he stepped closer to the RV to admire it. “This is a real beauty. _You_ drove this here?”

“No, I did,” Mark said as he exited, “but my wife drove half the time.” He stuck his hand out and said, “My name is Colin Murphy.” Looking at April he called, “You need any ‘elp with that, ‘Oneybunch?” 

“No, thanks.”

“Um, Mr. Murphy...”

“Colin.”

“Okay, Colin. It’s five dollars a night. You can pay me now if you have cash or you can take that road there about a half – mile to our office if you prefer to pay by check or credit card.”

“’Ow about I give you a fiver for last night now and the wife and I will swing by the office at some point today to pay for the rest of our stay?” Mark asked as he dug out his wallet and pulled out a five-dollar bill.

“Sounds good,” Robbie answered. He pulled a receipt book and pen from his shirt pocket and dashed off a receipt. The two men made the exchange and Robbie asked, “Is this the first time you’ve been to Colville? Can I make some activity suggestions or do you already know what you’re doing?”

“My wife and I plan to do some antique hunting while we’re ‘ere and maybe some ‘iking if I can get her to do it.”

“Great! Well, it was nice meeting you. I’m heading to the office now. There’ll be someone there until six – thirty every day and it opens every morning at seven – thirty. Come by if you need anything.” He retrieved his clipboard and paperwork from April, returned to his Jeep and waved as he drove away.

“Well, Ducks, ‘ow does this sound? We go into town, get gas, breakfast, check out some shops, chat up some townsfolk and see if there is anything we can discover that might ‘elp Napoleon and Illya.”

“Let’s add gun shopping to that list. Bigfoot or bear, our pistols aren’t enough firepower.”

“Agreed.”

Forty minutes later, Mark was driving down Main Street in Colville. “I’m going to go into that gas station and fill up. There’s a diner across the street; you go on over and order and I’ll be there in a few.”

April got her purse from the bedroom and jumped down to the sidewalk. She stepped inside Mary’s Breakfast and Luncheonette and was immediately charmed by the place. It had a definite 1950s feel to it: The floor was checkered black and white linoleum and the stools at the counter and the booths’ seats were covered in red vinyl. Each booth had its own miniature jukebox attached to the wall. The waitress behind the counter smiled at her and said, “Morning! Sit anywhere you like and I’ll be right over to take your order! The menus are under the jukeboxes.”

“Thanks. My husband is gassing up across the street, so I’ll order breakfast after he comes in; in the meantime, might I have some coffee?”

“Of course, Sweetie!” She grabbed a couple of mugs, a pot of coffee and napkin – wrapped cutlery and came out from behind the counter. She placed the mugs and silverware on the table and poured coffee in the mug in front of April, who noticed the woman’s name tag.

“Are you the Mary this place is named for?”

“Guilty as charged! Welcome to Colville! This is such a small town; we know when someone new arrives because we know just about everyone by sight.”

“My name is Adelaide; nice to meet you, Mary.” Just then, the door opened at a couple who appeared to be in their early fifties entered followed by Mark. “Mary, this is my husband, Colin. Colin, this is Mary.”

“Very nice meeting you, Mary, and bless you!” he said in response to her filling his coffee mug. “Cor blimey, Addy, it cost $35 to fill up!”

“ _Thirty – five dollars?”_ Mary and April said in unison.

“Oh, sorry,” Mary said, “I didn’t mean to horn in, but you shocked me.”

“We’re in that RV parked in the gas station. It’s got a one-hundred-gallon tank.”

Mary whistled in awe. “That is the largest RV I’ve ever seen. Anyway, let me let you look over the menu and I’ll come back after I take care of my regulars over there.” She walked over to the couple who had entered ahead of Mark and began conversing with them.

Mark picked up two menus and handed one to April. “I had no idea that RV has a one-hundred-gallon gas tank! It was all I could do not to let the shock show on my face!” He quickly perused the menu. “There’s some awesome selections ‘ere!”

“Indeed, and I am quite hungry.” 

They watched Mary drop off the couple’s order to the kitchen and head their way. “Know what you want?” They ordered and Mary said before walking off, “I’m not trying to flirt with your husband, Adelaide, but I adore his accent!”

April laughed. “I’m _so_ used to women commenting on it, but I’m very secure!”

The two women shared a laugh and Mark looked convincingly embarrassed. They got their food and were happy to realize it really was delicious. They chit – chatted about which antique stores they should definitely check out and Mark told April that the gas station attendant had pointed out where the local gun store is and had allowed him to park the RV there for a few hours since there were five antique stores within walking distance of the diner.

“That’s great! That means we can come back here for lunch!”

“Wait a minute, Addy, I just told you I spent $35 on gas! You’re not cooking?”

April looked at Mary standing behind the counter and winked. “Not today, this food is too tasty! This is my vacation, too, you know!”

Mark smiled at her indulgently. “You really do ‘ave me wrapped around your little finger.” Now he looked at Mary and smiled. “Guess you’ll see us for lunch.”

“Excellent!” Then the older couple at the other table waved Mary over and she pulled their tab from her pocket and took it over to them. 

The man pulled his wallet out and paid with a ten-dollar bill. “Keep the change, Mary,” he said before standing and helping his wife to stand.

“Thanks, Frank! You and Esther heading up to Vancouver?”

The woman, Esther, spoke. “We were going to, but our son – in – law decided to take our daughter to visit his parents, so we’ll go visit next month. We decided to come to Colville to do some grocery shopping and then head back home.” As they walked out the door they said, “See you later!”

In the meantime, the agents had finished their meal. “Mary,” Mark called, “May we ‘ave some more coffee and the check?” Mark fished his wallet out. “I need some change, too; can I give you a twenty for that ten, a five and five singles?”

“Of course, hon!” She placed the ten on the table before reaching into her uniform’s left pocket and withdrawing what Mark assumed was her tip money. She counted out five singles and pulled out a five-dollar bill and placed it all on top of the ten. “There you go.”

Mark said, “Thanks,” and handed her the twenty. 

She reached into her other pocket and got their check. “I have to go talk to my cook. Just leave it on the table and I’ll see you later!” and with that, she disappeared into the kitchen.

“C’mon, Luv, let’s go.” They went outside and he said, “Let’s get in the RV for a moment.”

When they got inside Mark asked, “Do you ‘ave any tens in your wallet?”

“Yes, I do,” April said as she got her wallet out of her purse. “Here.”

“Thanks, Luv” he said as he took the two bills she gave him and placed them on either side of the bill he got from Mary. “Uh huh, I thought so; this bill is counterfeit.” He slid all three around so she could see. “Look at the corners here and here. See how it doesn’t quite line up the way the real bills do.”

“It’s a very subtle difference, but a difference, nonetheless. How did you see this?”

“I’m a spy, Luv; it’s my job to pay attention to the details. And to be fair, I was looking at the bill, you weren’t.”

“Okay, so what are you thinking? Are Frank and Esther counterfeiters, distributers or just Innocents with a counterfeit ten-dollar bill?”

“Who coincidentally happen to have fake money in an area with a THRUSH lab? I don’t think they’re Innocents, but I don’t know whether they’re counterfeiters, distributers or both; however, I _do_ know that in our business, there’s no such thing as a coincidence. They said they were going grocery shopping; let’s add the grocery store to our To Do list.”

The two exited the RV and began strolling down Main Street stopping in antique stores and interacting with the store owners. They purchased two 30 odd 6 rifles from the local gun store before heading to the grocery store just in time to see Frank and Esther pay for their purchases and leave. April leaned in close to her partner and whispered, “Well, we know they’ve shopped.” Aloud, she said, “Colin, should we take the rifles back to the RV first?”

“No, Luv, this is an open carry state, so having them slung over our shoulders shouldn’t be a problem unless the owners object.” They entered the store and Mark smiled at the cashier and said, “Good morning! Do you mind if my wife and I keep our weapons with us while we shop? We just want a few things.”

The woman smiled at them both and said, “Not at all.”

Mark picked up a handbasket and they walked to the bread aisle and got hot dog rolls before picking up mustard and a pack of franks. He put the items on the counter and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill to pay. “Thanks,” he said when he received his change, “You have a good day.”

“Oh, you, too!”

As they walked toward the gas station April said, “It’s a good thing we’re ‘married’ because these women would be chasing you all over this town!”

“I only ‘ave eyes for you, Luv.”

Anyone looking would have seen a couple that was clearly in love: Laughing, holding hands and smiling. As soon as they entered the RV, Mark put the bag down and got his wallet. “This ten-dollar bill is fake, too, but the five and the ones are fine.”

“Sounds like we have an agenda when we go back to Mary’s for lunch.”

“That we do, Luv, that we do.”


	6. Chapter 6

Napoleon had made more coffee even though neither man really needed any more caffeine. _I really wish I hadn’t made that rule about no unnecessary drinking during an affair!_ He poured two mugs full and handed one to Illya. “Sorry there’s no whiskey in it.”

“Me, too.”

Napoleon went to stand by the window. “I just thought of something: That cabin I saw, there has to be a road that leads to it. There was no path coming from our direction.” He looked at his partner. “We need to head to the gas station in town to get a map of the area. We have to find another way into the woods.” He looked back out the window. “Tonight, we close both sets of shutters.”

“Agreed. What will we say if we run into Marty? We told him we would stay up here until Friday.”

“Actually, I paid for a week and told him I’d see him Friday to let him know if we wanted to stay longer. If we see him and he asks, I’ll say that we realized we need something from the store. He doesn’t seem like the nosy type, so that should be explanation enough.”

Illya nodded agreement and sipped his coffee. “Napoleon, we had talked about spending the night in the woods…”

“That was before we saw what we saw. There is no way we’re doing that now. I’m not afraid of anything THRUSH throws at me, but I’m not ashamed to tell you: I was terrified.”

“As was I, moy droog. In my country, these…things are called Yetis and they are supposed to be most aggressive. Let me tell you a story. In 1959, nine experienced hikers were attempting to ascend to a pass, but a snowstorm whipped up causing them to become disorientated. The leader of the group, a man named Dyatlov, decided the best thing to do was to make camp for the night. This is known because he kept a daily journal during their trip and that was the last entry in it.”

Napoleon came to sit beside his friend. “Last entry? What happened to them?”

“No one knows for sure. They never returned, so their families organized a search party that found their tent. It had been cut open _from the inside_ ; their gear, their _clothing and shoes_ , were in there abandoned. Nine sets of footprints, some barefoot, some socked and one set wearing only one shoe, were clearly visible in the snow, as if they had suddenly fled in terror.”

“They found the first two bodies after following the tracks for a mile. They were dressed only in their underwear next to the remains of a small fire. They came across three more bodies, including Dyatlov’s, dressed in underwear and pajama bottoms. The remaining four bodies were found two months later at the bottom of a ravine deeper in the forest. All four had died of blunt force trauma; fractures of the skulls, chests and legs. The lone female in the group was missing an eye and her tongue.”*

“Oh my God,” Napoleon said, “It sounds like a Yeti chased them from their tent, they split up and it caught up to one group and killed them!”

“When it was first reported, some people thought that was exactly what had happened. I did not. As a scientist, I was not buying into the idea of a boogeyman attacking hikers. But, now…I just do not know anymore.”

Napoleon checked his watch. “It’s eleven – forty. Let’s head into town to get that map.”

Illya pulled into the Esso station and Napoleon spoke to the attendant as he got out of the car. “Hi! Do you have any maps of the area?”

“Yessir, just head on inside and they’re in a rack to your left!”

“Thanks! Bass, you want anything?”

“No, thank you.” Illya watched his partner enter the building. There was a large recreational vehicle parked next to it. He looked across the street and saw there was a luncheonette called Mary’s and his stomach growled just then as if to remind him that they had not eaten before leaving the cabin.

A few minutes later, Napoleon emerged carrying maps and a couple of sodas. “Thought you might be thirsty.”

“No, I am hungry and there is a diner right there. We might as well get something to eat,” he said. He put the truck in gear and parked it in front of the restaurant. 

They walked inside and a woman behind the counter said, “Welcome, welcome! Sit anywhere you want; the menus are on the table. When you’re ready to order, give me the high sign and I’ll be right over.”

“Thank you,” Napoleon said as he gave her a dazzling smile. Illya led the way to the same table Mark and April had sat at earlier, a corner table so that both men had their backs against the wall and they could see the entrance and out the windows.

Napoleon waved Mary over after they had perused the menu. “Hi. I’d like two cheeseburgers and a Coke, please.”

“Good choice, Hon. And how about you?”

Illya said, “I think I am going to have the double cheeseburger combo, with the lettuce and tomatoes, fries and a vanilla milkshake. Also, I would like an order of onion rings and extra pickles.”

Mary looked him over. “Our burgers and portions are big; you sure you can eat all that?”

Napoleon laughed out loud at her comment. “Don’t worry, Miss, he’s just getting started!”

She laughed as she wrote Illya’s order. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?” When he shook his head, she asked, “Are you from England?”

“I am.”

“I thought so! My name’s Mary and I love your accent! It’s different from the one I heard this morning.”

Napoleon perked up at that. “Oh? Someone else was here from England?”

“Yeah. See that RV parked in the gas station? It belongs to this really cute couple; the husband’s from England, but his accent is different. You might see them; they said they were coming back for lunch.”

Napoleon’s smile broadened. “Wow, I was admiring that RV; it’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen! Do me a favor: If they come in while we’re still here, introduce us. I would love to see the inside of that thing. By the way, my name is Peter and my friend here is Bass.”

“Nice to meet you and yes, if they come back, I will introduce you.”


	7. Chapter 7

Mary brought Napoleon’s and Illya’s lunch out on a tray and as she was serving them, she looked up and said, “Oh, the people I was telling you about are walking to their RV! I guess they’re gonna put their stuff away and then come here.”

The agents turned to see Mark and April approaching the gas station. Napoleon was pleased to see that they had heeded his advice and bought 30 odd 6 rifles. They entered the RV and fifteen minutes later, emerged and started heading toward the diner. “Looks like you’ll be able to do me that favor, Mary.”

Moments later, the junior agents entered and turned to go to the corner table opposite Napoleon and Illya, but stopped when Mary called them.

“Colin! Adelaide! Could you come here for a moment? I want to introduce you to these guys who’ve been admiring your RV.”

Mark and April walked over and Mary made introductions. The men all shook hands and Napoleon and Illya nodded to April. “If you don’t mind,” Napoleon said, “I would love to see the inside of your RV.”

“Sure, Mate. If you’re still around when the Missus and me finish our lunch, you’re more than welcome. If you’ll excuse us, we’ll be ‘eading to our table.” With that, the junior agents headed to the table on the other side of the diner that mirrored where Illya and Napoleon sat and ordered lunch after checking the menu.

Illya and Napoleon noticed that Mary spent some time at their table when she brought their food to them though they really couldn’t hear the conversation.

Both parties found their food to be tasty and plentiful; they enjoyed their meals and their partner’s company. Napoleon and Illya deliberately dawdled over theirs so that the four finished within fifteen minutes of each other. After Mark paid for his and April’s lunch, he asked, “Are you still interested in seeing our vehicle?”

“Yes, indeed,” Napoleon replied as he got the check and paid the bill.

The quartet left the diner and made small talk as they crossed the street and entered the RV. As soon as they entered, Mark locked the door. “’Ow are things going on your end?”

Illya answered, “We have run into an unexpected…problem.”

“We were attempting to do surveillance in the woods when we were run out by, and please don’t laugh, Bigfoot,” Napoleon said. “Two of them, in fact.”

“I believe you,” Mark said as he glanced at April. “We both do.”

“I remember how scared Mark and I were of telling you about those… _things_ chasing us out of Margaretville.* You believing us meant everything. That’s why we believe you and feel safe enough to tell you that we’re certain a Bigfoot was walking around the RV and banging on it around two this morning. When we stepped out about six, there were three – toed footprints circling the RV. I took pictures of them and then erased them to make sure we could continue to stay there if need be.”

Napoleon shook his head. “Good thinking, but I don’t want you guys staying in that place and that’s an order. There’s another RV park on the other end of town. Stay there.” They nodded their understanding. “Illya and I saw three THRUSH guards in front of a cabin about three miles from where we were. We’re going to look for another access road that will lead us there. There has to be at least one. I wish we knew what was being manufactured there.”

Mark spoke. “We think we know. When April and I were in the diner for breakfast, there was a couple Mary knew who paid with a counterfeit bill. They used another one at the grocery store. We asked Mary about them at lunch and she told us they live three miles away in Pinckney City, which has a population of about four hundred.”

April chimed in, “Mary said they usually travel to Vancouver every other month to visit their daughter and son – in – law. These ten-dollar bills are quite good and if they’re passing muster here, taking them to Canada to distribute is a piece of cake. My gut says it’s no coincidence that a THRUSH lab and fake money are in the same area.”

Napoleon spread one of the maps he had picked up from the gas station on the dining table. “Agreed. At least we’re not needing to find a road that can handle heavy equipment. If you two are right, they only need to bring in paper and templates to make the bills.” He pulled a pen from his shirt pocket. “Okay. Here’s the campground Illya and I are in and here’s the road leading to our cabin. We drove farther into the woods to about here and then walked about two miles…” He studied the map. “Three miles in this direction puts the cabin I saw about here, so I’m thinking this road here should lead to the cabin.”

Illya turned the map around so he could see. “Looks about right. We need to check _this_ road out that is a quarter mile away to see if we can drive in and camouflage the truck.”

April looked shocked. “You intend to _walk through the woods?_ At _night?_ You’ve already been warned, it seems to me, so how can you even think to go back?”

Napoleon said, “What choice do we have? The lab has to be destroyed.” He checked the time. “We’ve been in here almost fifteen minutes; much longer will look suspicious. So, stay at the other RV park; Illya and I are going to check things out now with the idea that we will move on that cabin tomorrow night. If we are successful, you will hear from us no later than the day after tomorrow. If not, you two will have to try to destroy the lab. In the meantime, try to gather proof that this couple you spoke about is involved with THRUSH.”

“Yes, Sir,” they replied. 

“I’m leaving this map with you just in case.”

“Okay,” April said. She spontaneously hugged both men. “Please be careful! I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you!”

Napoleon grinned at her after kissing her cheek. “Me, neither.”

Illya kissed her cheek and accepted a hug from Mark. “We will speak to you on the other side of this affair.”

They left the RV and walked back across the street towards their truck. Napoleon waved at Mary through the window as he walked to the passenger side. Illya started the truck and as soon as Napoleon closed his door, made a U – turn and started heading back the way they had come.

“It is almost two o’clock. The sun sets just after six. I really want to be back inside the cabin before dark.”

“So do I,” Napoleon said, “I’m scared, Illya. I’m really scared. I’m scared those things might kill us and I’m scared that worrying about them will cause us to make an error that _gets_ us killed.”

“I am scared, too, moy droog,” Illya replied, “but I trust you, I trust our instincts, I trust _us._ Ease your mind, Napoleon, and trust yourself. They seem to be intelligent creatures, smart enough to know how to use rocks as weapons, but they are not smarter than we are.”

Napoleon’s lips thinned as he pressed them together and looked out the window. “There’s the road I believe goes to that cabin.”

Illya slowed down and made the left onto the road. “According to the map, this road doesn’t narrow like our road, so I’m going to drive up to the top of the hill and hope we can see something from there.” The road cut directly through the forest; if another vehicle were to come from the opposite direction, there would barely be enough room to pass. As it was, making a U – turn was impossible; it would have to be a K – turn. Normally, the Russian wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but given what he knew lurked in the woods, the extra time it would take to do it made him nervous. “I hope the parallel road is a bit wider.”

They arrived at the top of the hill and Illya said, “I am going to turn the truck around while you look.” When Napoleon went to open his door, Illya’s hand shot out to stop him. “Nyet! Do not get out of the truck! Not yet.”

Napoleon nodded his understanding. He pulled his binoculars out of his backpack and began surveilling. “I see the cabin! Looks to be about the size of ours which tells me there’s probably an underground component to it. I think there’s a truck or large car on the other side of it.” He swung around to his left. “I think I see the other road. Let’s go check it out.”

Illya had completed turning the truck around, so he began the drive back to the main road. He turned right and right again when they got to the next road a quarter mile away. This road was wider, but like the road their cabin was on, it narrowed so that they would have to walk just under a half – mile to get to the THRUSH cabin. “Three tenths of a mile,” Illya muttered to himself. It would normally take less than thirty minutes to complete a stealthy approach, but with the Sasquatch in the area, they would have to be extra careful not to be heard.

Suddenly, there was a sound in the woods like a tree branch cracking, followed by what sounded like that branch striking a tree trunk. 

“Time to go!” Napoleon said, “Turn this sucker around and let’s go!”

Illya quickly turned the truck around and they headed back to the main road. “It is five o’clock; is there anything we need before we go to the cabin?”

“Nothing I can think of; let’s head back.”

Forty minutes later found them turning into the road to the campground. They were both relieved that there was no one outside to see them drive by. The last thirty hours had been a bit overwhelming and they were mentally exhausted.

They got to their cabin, got out and brought their guns and gear inside. They came back out and closed the outer shutters on all the windows. The sun was going to set in another thirty minutes. They made sure the truck was secure and went back inside.

“I’m going to start dinner,” Napoleon said.

“I think I am going to pack our things. When we first got this assignment, I had hoped we could accomplish it quickly and Mr. Waverly would grant us time off so we could enjoy this place. Now, I want us to conclude this affair and leave immediately.”

“I felt and feel the exact same way, Partner.”

The two men didn’t speak again as Napoleon was busy in the kitchen and Illya was in the bedrooms packing until Napoleon called him for dinner. He had made glazed carrots, rice and canned ham that he elevated by adding pineapple chunks. He also made cornbread.

“I am very impressed, Napoleon,” the Russian said as he sat and helped himself to dinner. “If I did not know that everything came from a can or a box, I would think you did all this from scratch!”

“Thanks, but I know you’re exaggerating just a wee bit. Listen, fill up on the rice and carrots and leave some ham and cornbread for breakfast, okay?”

They finished eating and Napoleon began to clean the kitchen while Illya packed up everything they wouldn’t need the next day. By the time they were both finished and sitting in the living room, it was close to nine. Napoleon pulled out his communicator and assembled it. “Open Channel D, please.”

“Mr. Solo!” Mr. Waverly sounded wide awake despite it being almost midnight on the East Coast and Napoleon wondered for the millionth time (or so it seemed) how that was possible. “What do you have to tell me?”

“Ah, Sir, we’ve discovered a cabin deep in the woods that’s being guarded by THRUSH soldiers. We believe there is an underground facility there. Agents Slate and Dancer have identified two individuals who are putting counterfeit ten-dollar bills into circulation in Colville and possibly in Canada.”

“Yes, Mr. Solo; I’m aware that they have reached out to Section Four who are, as we speak, gathering intelligence on these people.”

“Yes, Sir. Ill, er, Agent Kuryakin and I will be attempting to neutralize the lab tomorrow night. I must tell you, Sir, that there are…large predators in the area that may prevent us from completing our mission. We have handed over the information we have to Agents Slate and Dancer and they have been ordered to complete the mission if we cannot.”

“Understood. Do try to not be killed, Mr. Solo; UNCLE has invested a great deal of money in both you and Mr. Kuryakin. Waverly out.”

“Well, aren’t you just a bundle of concern,” Napoleon muttered as he disassembled his communicator. He was about to say something to Illya when a noise outside caught his attention. “I think we have company,” he whispered.

Something quite heavy was walking around the cabin. Illya got his 30 odd 6 and handed Napoleon’s to him. They huddled together in front of the fireplace and waited. 

Suddenly, loud bangs began to sound as whatever was outside started hitting the cabin. The men were horrified to realize that the noises were coming from three different locations. “Bozhe moy! There are three creatures out there!”

Snarls and growls reached their ears and at one point, one of them made that howling squeal they had heard before in the woods and their hearts sank when an answering cry echoed off to the west of them.

“I am glad you told Mark and April not to stay in that RV park tonight. There is no reason for all of us to be at risk.”

After what felt like an eternity, the banging subsided and they could hear the creatures moving back into the forest. Napoleon sighed heavily to slow down his heartbeat and calm himself. “How are you doing, Illya?”

“I am okay, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow night.”

“Neither am I. I don’t know if Bigfoot is an undiscovered type of primate, another species of man or a combination of the two, but I do know this: They are intelligent and I believe that this banging behavior is our final warning to stay out of the woods and we have to ignore it.”

“We are going to drink so much alcohol when we finish this affair” Illya said half – jokingly. “I was going to pack the truck tonight, but no.”

Napoleon nodded his agreement. “I don’t think they’ll be back tonight, but let’s sleep in four - hour shifts. You first.” 

*references my tale “The Long Drive Home”


	8. Chapter 8

April and Mark watched as Napoleon and Illya got back into their truck and drove out of town. “Do you realize that they just told us there are Sasquatches in the woods and they’re still going to complete their mission?” Mark said in awe. “They deserve every accolade they’ve ever gotten.”

“I pray that we’ll be able to tell them that in person, Darling.” She refolded the map and placed it in the cabinet above the table. She pulled her communicator from her purse, assembled it and said, “Open Channel D4.”

“George Dennell.”

“Agent Dancer here, Mr. Dennell. I need your group to gather some information for me and my partner.”

“Happy to oblige, but please, call me George.”

“Okay. George it is and you must call me April.”

“Done, April. What can Section 4 do for you?”

“We are currently on an affair in Washington State. We have reason to believe that a couple, Frank and Esther Pridgeon of Pinckney City, are distributing counterfeit money here in Colville and possibly in Vancouver, British Columbia where they go to visit their daughter and her husband several times a year, or so they’ve told a waitress here in town. We need as much information on them as possible as soon as possible.”

“I’ll get someone on it as soon as I get off from you.”

“Fantastic. One more thing, George: Could you also have someone pull together some information about Bigfoot?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch.” She looked at Mark, who shrugged. “We think that THRUSH is using the local legends to discourage people from traveling too far into the woods, so we’d like to know what those legends are. And also, some general information about them because we’re not cryptozoologists.”

“Crypto – whatsis?”

“Cryptozoologists; people who study animals that are rumored to exist. You know, like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Dogmen...”

George’s laugh came through her device. “If you say so. Someone should be getting back to you in a few hours.”

“Perfect, thanks, George! Dancer out.” As she disassembled her communicator she said, “Just the way George reacted to my request makes me doubly glad that Illya and Napoleon told us how we can always talk to them.” She looked outside. “We need to relocate.”

“I’ll drive,” Mark said, “I had slipped the attendant five quid to leave this ‘ere, but I think it’s a good time to leave. There’s some antique stores down that end of town, so we’ll do some shopping before we check into the park.”

April moved to sit in the passenger seat. “I hate that they’re going into such a dangerous situation and we’re… _shopping._ Doesn’t seem right.”

“What we’re doing, Luv, is following orders. We’re their backup. If we’re not shopping for antiques, why are we in town? It’s kind of ‘ard to be inconspicuous when you’re driving a bus!”

April had to laugh at that. “You definitely have a point, Partner. Okay, let’s find a parking spot and look for antiques. We’ll continue to use cash and see if we can collect some more counterfeits.”

So, that’s what they did. They walked in and out of antique and secondhand stores on the other end of Colville, chatting up store owners and buying interesting items. They were about to enter a shop called Second Time Around when April’s communicator chirped. Mark pulled her out of the doorway and hugged her to him while she quickly assembled the device. “Standby until I get someplace private.” She leaned back and smiled at her “husband.” Taking his hand, she said, “Let’s go back to the RV.” 

As soon as they were inside, she spoke into her communicator, “Dancer here, what do you have for me?”

“Hello, Agent Dancer, my name is Miss Findley. I have the information you want. You may want to write some of this down.”

Mark passed her a pad and a pen. “Go ahead, Miss Findley.”

“Franklin James Pridgeon, was born in Seattle, Washington in 1924 and is 42 years old. He is a high school graduate who married his wife, Esther Jean Raymond, in 1942 and then joined the Army and served in the European Theater. He came home at the end of the war and their only child, Raymond James Pridgeon, was born in 1946, making him twenty years old. They currently live in Pinckney City and though we found records that say he is permanently disabled and receives a tax – free military pension from the VA and that his wife doesn’t work, it seems that they have more money than they should.”

“Thank you. Were you able to find any local Bigfoot legends?”

“Only that the Sanpoil people in the Colville area definitely believed in the Hairy Men as they called them and that the Hairy Men would come down from the mountains to mate this time of year and they are usually peaceful creatures, but mating season causes them to be quite aggressive and confrontational.”

“Perfect. I will let your boss know how pleased I am with how fast you got back to me.”

April swore she could hear the woman blush through the communicator. “Thank you, Agent Dancer. Thank you so much! Findley out.”

April disassembled her device again and looked at Mark. “Part of me was really hoping they were Innocents caught up in things over their heads, but apparently not. They don’t even _have_ a daughter!”

“I know how you feel, Luv. This town and its surroundings are so beautiful that it’s ‘ard to believe that someone who lives ‘ere would deliberately deceive their neighbors. C’mon, let’s do some more shopping. We’ll check for fake bills after we’re finished.”

They went back to their assignment for several more hours until they had shopped at every antique store and secondhand shop, buying something at each stop. 

“You know, Ducks, you definitely got the sweet end of the deal when you said you would do all the cooking and cleaning in the RV if I handled the loo.”

“Whatever do you mean, Darling?”

“We’ve been walking for hours, we’re both tired and I know it, so there’s no way I’m expecting you to cook, but the ‘ead has to be cleaned whether I’m tired or not!”

“You’re right, Darling. I’ll make it up to you; I’ll spring for dinner.”

“It’s UNCLE’S money! Fine, treat me to dinner. There’s a steakhouse over there; let’s go.” 

The steaks were amazing and the portions large enough for each of them to have doggie bags. They checked into the RV park just after seven and when Mark found a spot, the people in the RV next door decided to be neighborly and invited them to sit outside and have drinks. 

Maddie and Doug Bruening were a pleasant retired couple in their sixties fulfilling their dream of traveling around the country in their modest RV. Originally from Portland, Oregon, they had arrived in Colville that morning.

“So, this is your first time here?” April asked. She and Mark had both refused beers, citing a possible early departure in the morning and were drinking Cokes.

“No,” Maddie replied, “We like to come up here to go fishing. There are so many lovely spots.”

“Yes, there are,” Mark replied. “’Ave you ‘eard about any Bigfoot sightings in the area then? I’m asking because this is our first time ‘ere and it was mentioned to us in passing that they’ve been known to be around.”

Doug and Maddie looked at each other and Maddie nodded to her husband who said, “The first time we came to Colville, we spent our first night in an RV park named Dead Medicine. Do _not_ stay there.”

“Are you saying that you encountered Bigfoot in that park?” April asked.

Doug shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I’m saying I think this park is much nicer.” He finished his beer and said, “Maddie Honey, I’m more tired from that drive than I thought.”

The agents took the hint and finished their drinks before placing their glasses on the little table the Bruenings had set in the middle of the chairs. “Thanks so much for inviting us over; we’ll leave you to it then,” Mark said. “’Ave a good night.” 

April smiled and waved as she and Mark walked back to their vehicle. When they got inside, she said, “Well, _that_ was interesting. It’s nice to know that Sasquatch doesn’t just make its presence known to UNCLE agents.”

“I’m ‘appy Napoleon ordered us not to stay there.” He pulled his wallet from his back pocket. “Let’s check our cash.” April emptied her purse and went to work. By the time they had finished, they had between them two twenties, three tens and fourteen one-dollar bills that were fake.

“I think it’s time we report this to Mr. Waverly,” April said. “Section One will need to inform the FBI and the American and Canadian Treasury Departments.”

“Those tasks are definitely above our pay grade. Seems like our part of this affair might be finished; all Napoleon and Illya have to do is complete theirs and then we’ll be ‘ome free.”

“Is it wrong that I’m praying they’re successful because I don’t want to have to go into those woods?”

“No. I want them safe, but I want us safe, too. Our selfishness will be our secret.”


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning, Illya and Napoleon slept late. They had slept in four hour shifts at first, but when dawn neared, they felt comfortable enough to sleep at the same time. 

Napoleon showered and dressed, then proceeded to make breakfast while his partner took his shower. By the time Illya came into the dining area, he had made scrambled eggs to go with the ham and cornbread from the night before. There was also orange juice and coffee. 

They finished eating and went outside to inspect the cabin’s exterior and weren’t surprised to see three sets of footprints and splintering of several logs where the creatures had slammed the walls. Silently they took in the scene and then went back inside.

Illya sat on the couch and sipped his coffee. “I believe that is our final warning,” he said. “The next time we cross paths with the Sasquatch, they will attempt to kill us.”

“I wish I could say you’re wrong, but I don’t think so. I don’t think they’ll be back here today, so we’ll load up the truck’s backseat and cargo box so we don’t have to come back here at all. After that, we’ll stay inside until five, then we’ll drive to the road that parallels the one that goes to the cabin. We should get there just before sunset and by the time we walk to the cabin it should be just past dark. We’ll sneak up and when the guards come out for their break, we’ll overpower them and get inside. If April and Mark are correct and it’s a counterfeiting lab, I’m thinking there won’t be a heavy security presence. We’ll round up the counterfeiters, collect the templates and paper and leave them as a tidy package for the FBI, unless Mr. Waverly wants us to do something else with them. After that, we’ll rendezvous with April and Mark and stay in the RV until we can return the truck to the rental place and then, drive the hell out of here to Boise.”

“That sounds good to me, Napoleon. I will be happy to see this place in the rearview mirror.” The Russian finished his coffee and put the mug on the coffee table. “Napoleon…”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what? You do not know what I am about to say!”

“Oh, but I do, Partner Mine; I can read your mind. So, I’m just going to cut to the chase and agree with you: Yes, I’m your best friend as you are mine; yes, I’m your brother; I love you, too and yes, I accept your invitation to treat me to dinner at Peter Luger’s Steakhouse when we return to New York.”

“I think your mindreading went off the rails there for a bit.”

“I think not. I can already taste my T-bone.”

At five that afternoon, they got in the pickup to head to the road where they decided to leave the truck. The area outside Colville was so sparsely populated that they hadn’t ever seen a vehicle on the main road and they didn’t encounter any this time, either. Illya made the left on what he had begun to think of as “The Parallel Road.”

They drove into the forest as far as they dared using the quickly fading sunlight. When they finally came to a halt, Illya cut the engine and they sat in the darkening woods, listening to the sounds of the approaching night. “I don’t hear anything…unusual,” Napoleon said after a few minutes.

“Neither do I. I only hear birds, insects and small creatures going about their business. We should probably get going.”

They looked at each other for a brief unspoken conversation before rolling up the windows and exiting the vehicle. They slung their rifles and backpacks over their shoulders and secured their communicators in their shirts’ chest pockets. They each had small penlights they planned to use to guide them towards the cabin without being seen.

They began to move and Napoleon was pleased to see that the underbrush was not as difficult to maneuver as he had feared, so they were reasonably quiet and able to keep a good pace at the same time. When the cabin came into view, they stopped approximately ten feet away from the tree line and hunkered down on either side of a large tree.

From this distance, they were able to note more details about it. The cabin wasn’t just built directly in front of a hill, it was attached to it, which meant to them that their theory of an underground workspace was probably correct. From the tree line to the cabin was about thirty feet on both sides and the front. There was just the one door in front and a window on the side they could see. There was a light on, but they could see no movement.

Illya was about to reach for his binoculars when the door opened and two THRUSH soldiers stepped outside, rifles slung over their shoulders. One looked to be in his early to mid – twenties while the other seemed to be about their age. The younger of the two pulled a pack of Marlboro cigarettes from his pocket and lit one. They were having a conversation that they couldn’t hear, but the general tone seemed friendly and collegial.

Napoleon was thinking that perhaps they could dart them, run up to the entrance and make a frontal assault when Illya tapped him sharply on the arm. When he looked at the Russian, Illya made a gesture: Circling his forearm with his index finger raised that said to him, _Check out what’s going on around us!_

He pulled his attention away from the THRUSHies and back onto the woods which were now eerily silent. He spared a glance back at the cabin. The guards were engrossed in their conversation and hadn’t noticed that things had changed. The hair on the back of his neck began to stand. “I think the Sasquatch are on the move; they’ve realized we’re here,” he whispered. 

They could both hear some massive things moving slowly through the woods off to their left. Napoleon estimated whatever they were (though in his heart, he knew it was Bigfoot) was between a quarter and half a mile away. Their position was fast becoming untenable; he had to decide and quickly what the next move should be. A noise off to their right decided him. “Follow my lead,” he said as he stood.

“Hello! Hi!” he said as he and Illya stepped out from the trees. The guards, startled, whipped their guns off their shoulders and aimed at them. “Whoa, whoa, don’t shoot! We got turned around in the woods and lost our way. I was thrilled when I saw your cabin lights.” Napoleon had raised his hands, palms facing outward, to show he meant no harm as he and Illya moved closer.

“That’s close enough!” the older guard barked. “You need to get out of here, now!”

“We would love to,” Illya said, “but as my friend just told you, we do not know where we are. We were hoping you could help us.”

The younger guard had lowered his rifle and said, “Sure, I’m real familiar with the woods; I can help you.” He looked at his partner. “Relax, Charly.” 

Napoleon’s mind was racing. There were still sounds coming from several directions that told him that more than one Bigfoot was moving into the area. Neither THRUSH seemed perturbed, they were probably used to hearing large animals moving around. Charly struck Napoleon as having been a THRUSH soldier for a while; he was naturally distrusting while the younger one seemed to genuinely want to help.

“Look, Ray, just give these guys their directions so they can get the hell outta here! I’d like to enjoy my break!”

Napoleon was only half – listening to Ray. His gut was telling him that the creatures were just beyond the tree line watching them and he was getting desperate because he knew as surely as he was standing there, that they were waiting for the right moment to attack. He realized the young man had stopped speaking and said, “Thanks. C’mon, Illya, let’s go!”

Charly again pointed his rifle at them. “Hold it! ‘ _Illya?’_ If he’s Illya, you must be Napoleon! Ray, go get Joe and Rusty! You two, drop those guns and backpacks! _Now!_ ”

The agents carefully placed the rifles and bags on the ground as Ray returned with two more guards. “Guess who we have here, boys? The great UNCLE team of Solo and Kuryakin! Take them and their stuff downstairs; after I finish my break, I’ll contact the Satrap Chief in Spokane to send someone to collect them.”

Ray held them at gunpoint and used his rifle to direct them to the doorway while Joe and Rusty followed with the weapons and backpacks. As they were walked into the cabin, Napoleon caught Illya’s eye and winked. A ghost of a grin flew across the Russian’s face.

 _I knew it!,_ he thought, _Napoleon did not make a mistake! He deliberately gave us away so we could get away from the danger!_ Illya looked around the cabin; it was a large room with a fireplace on one side and a table for four opposite it. At the table sat three men in shirtsleeves eating. “Who are these guys?” one asked.

Ray answered, “Charly says they’re UNCLE agents, so we’re taking them downstairs.”

“Well, don’t put them in the first room; that’s where I’m going to sleep!”

They had been marched to the back of the cabin where there was an open door with stairs leading to a lower level. They were about to head down when three things happened agonizingly fast, but at the same time, horribly slow: Charly yelled for Joe and Rusty who dropped Napoleon’s and Illya’s guns and packs and ran outside; they all started shooting and then began screaming right before two huge hairy ape – like creatures burst through the door and attacked the men sitting at the table.

The combination of the sight of the Sasquatch and the sounds they and the men they were killing were making had shocked Ray into immobility giving the agents their chance. Illya snatched the rifle from his hands and pushed him through the door while Napoleon grabbed their packs and rifles before following them. He slammed the door shut behind him and was grateful to see a foot – thick steel door at the bottom of the stairs. He got that door shut and locked just as the upstairs door splintered.

“An elephant couldn’t knock down this door,” Ray said, “but what the hell are those things?” 

Napoleon was pointing his 30 odd 6 at the door. “Those are Bigfoots.”

“There’s no such thing as a Bigfoot!”

“Apparently, no one told the Bigfoot that,” Napoleon retorted. He and Illya both had their rifles in hand and by unspoken agreement, the THRUSH guard’s rifle lay between them. “Please tell me there’s another way out of here.”

“There is; at the end of this hall there’s a door that goes outside and it’s the same type of door as this one,” Ray said. He appeared to be in shock. He seemed to not know what to do with himself.

They could barely hear snuffling coming from just outside and there was occasional muffled banging. Napoleon signaled Illya, looked at Ray and then back at Illya and waved his head. Illya nodded and while the CEA kept an eye on the door just in case, the Russian went off to find something with which to tie the THRUSHie.

He couldn’t find any rope, so he cut some electrical cords and brought those back along with a wooden armless chair. He guided the young man into the seat and then, tied his wrists and ankles. “I saw counterfeiting machines in one of the rooms; I will go dismantle them and save the templates for the US authorities.” He turned and went back down the hallway.

“Okay. I’ll come help you as soon as I’m comfortable that our company’s left.” Napoleon leaned against the wall, rifle resting in his arms and listened. Another thud reverberated through the door and he wondered just how intelligent the creatures are. _What if they figure out there’s another way out of here?_ He shuddered at that thought. _No, I think they’ll give up and leave when they realize they can’t get inside._

The guard seemed to be coming out of his stupor. “They’re all dead upstairs, aren’t they?”

“I think we can safely say that. I’m sorry for the loss of your friends.”

“They weren’t my friends,” Ray said, “This was a job, that’s all. I’ve only been here for about five months. I mean, I didn’t hate them or anything, but we didn’t get together for drinks, either.”

“Gotcha. So, the guys who were sitting at the table, those were the counterfeiters? Just those three?”

“Yeah, from what Charly told me, this is… _was_ a small operation. He was the senior guard, so he knew the most about the organization. Me and the other two guys, he hired us locally. I really only know about this place.”

The CEA shouldered his rifle after about ten minutes of not hearing any more sounds and assembled his communicator. “Open Channel S5.”

Mark’s voice came through. “’Ello, Napoleon, ‘ow are things?”

“Good for the moment. Mission accomplished though not at all the way I wanted it to be. The cabin that housed the THRUSH operation was attacked by two, possibly three Sasquatches. Illya and I were already inside when they burst in…”

 _“What?_ Are you hurt? How’s Illya?” In the background, Napoleon could hear April gasp in shock.

“We’re fine. We were able to get downstairs and close a foot-thick door before they were able to get to us. We’re still below ground. I can’t hear them anymore.”

“Do you want us to come get you?”

“Negative! It’s not safe! We will stay here for the night and then leave after dawn tomorrow.”

“All right, Darling.” April had commandeered Mark’s communicator. “We’ll go detain the Pridgeons and hand them over to the authorities.”

“Nooooo!” Ray shouted upon hearing that. “No, you can’t do that! My parents aren’t involved, they’re innocent!”

“Did you hear that, April?”

“Yes, Napoleon; the guard must be Raymond James Pridgeon, is that right?”

“Yes, I’m Ray Pridgeon! My folks don’t know anything about counterfeit money! They only know that I give them money because they think I make a lot! I’m begging you, don’t arrest them! They don’t know anything!”

Mark said, “Well, if they don’t know anything, how come they lie about going to Canada to visit their daughter when they don’t ‘ave a daughter?”

“They’re not lying! My Aunt Tanya and Uncle Troy Martin died in a car accident when I was seven and Sharon, their daughter, was sixteen. My parents took her in and raised her from that point. They never legally adopted her, but they accepted her as their daughter and my sister. She’s married now and lives in Canada. I give them money to supplement their income. They never knew I was giving them fake cash! Please don’t arrest them!”

April spoke. “We’re going to check out what you’ve said. If you’re telling the truth, fine; but if I find out you’re lying, you _and_ your parents are being handed over to the FBI.”

“I’m not lying. Check it out and you’ll see.”

Illya had come back and overheard some of the conversation. “That all sounds like something that can be handled tomorrow. Excuse me if I sound a bit gruff, but I have somehow narrowly escaped being mauled to death by a Bigfoot and I am a bit exhausted.”

Mark said, “I can imagine, Mate. Get some rest, and we’ll talk in the morning.”

Napoleon said, “Good. Solo out” and disconnected the signal. He looked at his partner. “Sit rep, Illya.” He and Illya had walked a few feet away from the guard and began to speak in hushed tones.

“There are four counterfeiting machines; one each for printing twenties, tens, fives and ones. I removed the templates and gathered up the extras. Since we no longer have any counterfeiters to hand over, I think the templates should be given to the US government for study.”

“And the machines themselves?”

“A few well-placed explosives should take care of that problem and possibly solve another.”

“Oh?”

“If the Sasquatch are still in the area when we are ready to leave tomorrow, the noise might make them move farther away. I am thinking however that they will probably have already moved to wherever they go during the day.”

“I hope so. Listen, did you bring any Veritol 19?”

“I did.”

“Tell you what: You inject our friend here with a dose so I can continue my interrogation while you get some sleep.”

“What about you? You need to get some rest, also.”

“I won’t be too long. I just want to tie up some loose ends.”

Illya went to his backpack and withdrew the case that contained two hypodermic needles of the truth serum he invented. He walked over to Ray, pushed his shirtsleeve up and wiped an area with an alcohol swab and quickly injected him.

“Hey!” Ray shouted, “Why are you doing this? I told you everything I know!”

“I’m sure you did, but we’re spies, Ray. We trust, but verify.”


	10. Chapter 10

April disassembled Mark’s communicator and handed it back to him, grabbed her own and said, “Open Channel Q; Section 4 desk, please.”

“Section 4, Miss Findley speaking. How may I help?”

“Miss Findley, it’s Agent Dancer again. I need to know about a couple, Tanya and Troy Martin. Tanya’s maiden name was Raymond; she is Esther Pridgeon’s sister. I need to know if they’re still alive and if they had children. I need this information as soon as possible.”

“I’ll get right on it, Agent Dancer.”

“Thank you. Dancer out.” She put the device away and looked out the windows. “I like this RV park _much_ better than the other one. We’re in town, for all intents and purposes, so I don’t think we’ll have to worry about Bigfoot or bears or whatever sneaking around us tonight.”

“I agree, Luv, but we’ll _still_ be securing our little home on wheels tonight.”

“No doubt, Darling. In fact, let’s do it now; I’m still digesting that huge meal, so I think it may just be an early night. I’m just waiting for Section 4 to get back to me before I turn in.”

The team secured their RV and then Mark made them each a cup of tea. April sat at the dining table while Mark spun the driver’s seat around to face her. “I don’t want to jinx it, but I think we’re nearing the end of this affair.”

“I do, too. I’m glad I didn’t report to Mr. Waverly yet; we need to find out if the Pridgeons are innocent or not. They seem to be pleasant people; I hope they’re clean.”

“Me, too. That would restore some of me faith in ‘umanity.”

April nodded her agreement as she began to clean her gun. She needed to do something to fill the time as she waited for the information she requested to keep herself from worrying about Napoleon and Illya. She knew they were safe, but the idea of them staying underground to avoid Sasquatch didn’t make her feel great. She looked up when she heard Mark begin to chuckle. “What?”

The Brit was still sitting in the driver’s seat. He had pulled some of their purchases out of the bags and was inspecting them. “Remember the other day when Napoleon said to keep all our receipts because Accounting is going to throw a fit about the cost of this affair?” He laughed again and said, “What are they going to do with all these collectibles we’ve been buying? I mean, do you see anything we bought being auctioned off at Sotheby’s?”

She looked at the things they had bought from various shops in town. “It _is_ all a bit kitschy, isn’t it?” She picked up a brass spittoon. “Perhaps UNCLE can have a garage sale.”

“Don’t mention that to Accounting, they might ‘ave us set up a table at the flea market on Ninth Avenue! No offense to the good people of Colville, but a lot of these ‘collectibles’ just look like junk to me.”

“I don’t know, I kind of like that cookie jar we bought. I might be good to Accounting and buy it for real.”

“Oh, Luv, seriously? It’s a big pig with a removable ‘ead! Why would you want to keep _that_?”

“It’s a pig! I think it would make me think twice before taking a cookie!” They had a good laugh for a few minutes. “We didn’t buy _anything_ you really liked?”

“Truth be told, that pitcher and wash basin set would look nice in my flat.”

“It’s settled then, Darling, I’m getting my pig and you’re buying the water pitcher and bowl.”

“Changing the subject,” Mark said, “I felt bad for Doug. It’s obvious that he and Maddie ‘ad some kind of run – in with a Bigfoot, or think they did, at Dead Medicine, but he couldn’t bring ‘imself to tell us. Makes me wonder if he’s ever mentioned it to anyone.”

April drained the last of her now cold tea from her cup and placed it, along with Mark’s empty, into the sink. “Makes me glad that we have Napoleon and Illya to talk to about stuff like this; if the shrinks _really_ knew what field agents ran into on affairs, they would probably recommend we leave the field at thirty – five!”

“Yeah, between monsters, mad scientists, demagogues and just plain crazies with plans to dominate the world, it is amazing we’re as sane as we are.”

“Who says we’re sane?”

Before he could answer, her communicator started to chirp. She grabbed it and said, “Dancer.”

“Miss Findley here. I have that info you wanted. Unfortunately, Troy Martin and his wife, Tanya Raymond Martin were killed in a traffic accident thirteen years ago leaving behind a daughter, Sharon, who was sixteen at the time. She was taken in and kept by various relatives with the last ones being Frank and Esther Pridgeon who cared for her until she graduated with a BA in Economics from Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington. She got married at age twenty – two to Gerard Coley who was her college sweetheart and they moved to his native Canada immediately after the wedding.”

“Perfect! That is all we needed to know, thanks so much.” April looked at her partner in triumph. “I’m so happy they’re Innocents! Thank you, Miss Findley! Good night!” She ended the communication and disassembled her device.

“I need to let Napoleon know what we’ve found out about this family as it might influence what he decides to do with their son.”

Mark stood up, yawned and stretched. “Sounds good, Luv. You do that while I go to bed, unless you need me.”

“To report to Napoleon? I think not. Go warm up the bed and I’ll be there shortly.”

He bowed deeply to her. “As Madame wishes. Your personal ‘eated pillow will make the bed as comfortable as ‘umanly possible.”

“My hero.”


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning, Illya awoke to find his partner sleeping in the bed next to him. He hadn’t heard him come to bed, so he had no idea how long the man had slept. He got up carefully and went in search of their prisoner. Ray Pridgeon was locked in the room next door, sleeping quietly.

Satisfied that all was safe and secure, Illya ate some of the sandwiches Napoleon had packed in his backpack along with water that was stored in bottles in the underground work area. He was looking around to determine the best places to put his explosives when he heard his partner come out of the room. “Napoleon,” he whisper – shouted, “Over here!”

“Why are you being so quiet, Tovarisch? The combination of the shock he got plus the truth serum has knocked him out until we wake him.”

Illya shrugged. “Be that as it may,” he said, “did you hear from April and Mark?”

“I did.”

“And?”

“And we don’t have anyone to turn over to the FBI. Turns out, Ray was telling the truth about his parents not knowing he was giving them phony money and they did take in his cousin Sharon after her parents were killed in a car crash. Section 4 confirmed that plus his story didn’t change after you gave him the Veritol 19. He really has only been working here for a few months. The THRUSH office in Spokane Charly mentioned? He doesn’t even know where it is. He’s done with all this business; he wants to join the Army. Charly was the only THRUSH soldier here. Ray doesn’t know what kind of organization THRUSH is or what their goal is. He really is a kid caught up in things he doesn’t understand. All the truly bad guys are dead.”

“So, what _are_ we going to do with Mr. Pridgeon?”

“Well, after you set your explosives, we’re going to exit using that other door he told us about last night. His car is parked just outside of it. He’s going to drive us to our truck, drop us off and head home to Pinckney City. Without his THRUSH rifle, of course. He lives with his parents. And that’s the end of him as far as we’re concerned. We’ll leave the templates with the Boise office to hand over to the FBI before we fly home.”

“Sounds good, Napoleon. Now, what are we going to tell the campground owner about leaving early?”

Napoleon told him his idea and Illya agreed it sounded like a plan. Napoleon ate the rest of the sandwiches while Illya set his explosives. When he finished, they woke up Ray Pridgeon in preparation to leave.

“Can’t I get something to eat?” Ray complained, “I’m starving!”

“Mr. Pridgeon,” the icy voice of the Russian replied, “you have no idea how fortunate you are. My partner’s and my ideas about tying up loose ends are very different. His idea involves you continuing to breathe; mine, not so much. I suggest you complain to your mother about your hunger when you see her.” He was pleased to see the young man pale. _I think any residual thoughts he might have had about staying with THRUSH have vanished,_ he thought. “You two wait here. I’m going to set my explosives.”

He returned about thirty minutes later. “The timers are set for twenty minutes from now. We should leave.”

They followed Ray to the exit door, but before they opened it, they listened as best they could. Hearing nothing, they carefully open the door. Things seem to be fine, so they ran to Ray’s car and piled inside. Illya had insisted on driving despite Ray’s protestations. “You do not know where my truck is. This spares me having to direct you. Just tell me how to get to the road that leads to the cabin.”

Once they got there, it only took the Russian fifteen minutes, if that long, to head to their truck rental. He killed the engine and listened. They could hear large animals moving around not too far away. He checked his watch and said, “The charges should blow in ninety seconds.” The three men waited nervously, each one hoping they weren’t attacked by a Bigfoot.

Exactly ninety seconds later, the ground literally shook as the underground THRUSH lab exploded sending shockwaves throughout the immediate area. The woods went silent save for the sounds of large creatures retreating.

Napoleon looked at Ray and said, “Good luck to you, Ray Pridgeon; this is where our story ends,” before climbing out of the back seat with the three riles and two backpacks. “Go home and if I were you, I would follow up on my plans to join the Army and leave all this behind me.”

Illya jumped out of the driver’s side. “Your keys are in the ignition. I suggest you turn your vehicle around and leave. Now, before I change my mind about you breathing. _Dasvedanya_.” 

After Ray drove off, Illya made his own K – turn and drove back to the main road back to the entrance of the Warren campgrounds. They pulled in front of the office and walked in to find Marty himself behind the counter. 

“Hi!” Napoleon said, “I’m afraid that Bass and I are checking out ahead of schedule.”

“Oh?” Marty said with a look on his face that seemed to say he knew the reason why.

“Yes,” Illya said, “I called my wife last night and apparently the pipes burst in the kitchen and caused a flood. I love her dearly, but like a lot of women, she is kind of useless when it comes to dealing with this sort of thing. I was able to walk her through shutting off the water, but she really needs me to go home and take care of the plumbing because, unfortunately, the one person I would trust to handle it while I am not there is standing next to me.”

The look of relief that flitted across Marty’s face was quickly covered up by a smile. “My ex – wife was the same way.”

“I must say,” Napoleon opined, “the scenery and the cabin are great and I know I said I wasn’t feeling very sociable, but I don’t want to stay by myself. I know I paid for the week and I don’t expect nor am I asking for a full refund…”

“Tell you what,” Marty interrupted, “How about we split the difference? I’ll refund you for two nights and I’ll keep the other two.”

Napoleon stuck out his hand. “Deal,” he affirmed as they shook on it. As Marty reached into his cash register, Napoleon said, “The other night, something big like a grizzly bear or a moose I guess was walking around outside the cabin. I just figure I’d let you know so you can tell the next renters to be careful at night.”

Marty handed over the cash. “Thanks for telling me, Peter. I appreciate that.” He turned and shook Illya’s hand. “It was a pleasure meeting both of you! I hope to see you again.”

“Goodbye, Marty,” Illya said and the agents walked out the door, got into their truck and left.

Marty’s daughter came out of the office and said, “You think it was a bear or moose they heard?”

“Nope. They’re the luckiest sumbitches on the planet, is what _they_ are. We ain’t renting that cabin again before November, if then. Understand?”

“Yes, Daddy.”


	12. Chapter 12

Napoleon assembled his communicator and spoke into it. “Open Channel S5.”

“Good morning, Napoleon!”

“Good morning, Mark. Our mission is accomplished. Illya and I are on our way to the car rental at the airport to hand in our truck. How long will it take for you and April to get there?”

“We’re both up and dressed. We’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”

“We’ll be about ten minutes behind you. Solo out.”

Napoleon put his device into his shirt pocket and sighed loudly. He looked at his partner who had uncharacteristically not turned on the radio. “How you doin’, Partner?”

The blond’s shoulders came up in a shrug. After a few moments he said, “You know how very much I dislike encounters with things that are not explained by science. They make me most…uncomfortable.”

“I know. I’ll tell you something, Tovarisch, those ninety seconds before the explosions were the longest of my life. I was terrified that a rock was going to come flying out of woods at any moment to smash our windows.”

“Hearing them move away afterwards made me want to cheer,” Illya said, “but I refused to let Pridgeon see me do it. What is so funny?”

Napoleon had started laughing at the mention of the former THRUSH guard’s name. “The look on his face when you told him how our views on loose ends were quite different. I thought he might piss his pants!” He glanced at Illya, who had smirked briefly, but had said nothing and knew, without a doubt, that if the circumstances had been different, Ray Pridgeon would never have seen another morning and was glad, once again, that this small – statured, constantly underestimated man was his friend who loved him and considered him family.

April was smiling broadly when Mark’s conversation with Napoleon ended. “I’ll drive!” she said as she bounced into the driver’s seat. She started the RV’s engine, waited until Mark sat in the passenger seat and then drove out of the park towards the airport. “I feel like we’ve been in Colville fore _ver_ and I can’t wait until we get back home.”

“I feel the same way, Luv.”

They were parked outside the rental place when Illya and Napoleon pulled into the parking lot. While Illya went inside to check the truck back in, Mark and April helped Napoleon unload his and Illya’s gear and place it in the RV.

Napoleon joined Illya and the rental staff person when they exited the building to conduct an inspection of the vehicle while April and Mark returned to the RV to wait for them. Twenty – five minutes later, the senior agents concluded their business and entered the RV.

“Welcome to our humble abode!” Mark said as he spread his arms wide. “Make yourselves comfortable!”

The two sat at the dining table to be closer to Mark and April. Now that they had completed their mission, the stress of it all began to take its toll. Even though it wasn’t quite eleven, both men were tired and it was starting to show.

“Illya? Napoleon?” April said, “We have a few options for you: One, I can just start driving to Boise. Two, I can pull over once we’re out of the airport to give each of you time to shower and change. Three, you each have a small bottle of vodka and Scotch, respectively, to drink before, after or instead of a shower.”

The CEA and his partner looked at each other and nodded. Napoleon spoke for both of them. “We opt for showers.”

“Your wish is my command, Boss.”

Forty minutes later, April was driving south on I – 90 while Mark sat next to her, albeit with his seat facing the rear so he could see his fellow agents, who were now freshly showered and wearing clean clothing, each with a glass in front of him and a pint bottle of unopened alcohol next to it.

Napoleon put together his device and spoke into it. “Open Channel D, Solo reporting.”

Mr. Waverly’s voice was staticky at first, but a quick adjustment brought in a clearer signal. “Ah, Mr. Solo! I was wondering when I was going to hear from you again. What have you to tell me?”

“Sir, Mr. Kuryakin and I have rendezvoused with Agents Dancer and Slate and we are now headed back to Boise to return the RV and fly home. The lab that was counterfeiting American money has been destroyed, the templates they were using are in our possession and will be given to the Boise office to hand over to the FBI if you have no objection. Agents Dancer, Kuryakin and Slate were able to ascertain that the people who were distributing the bills in town were being used and were, in fact, Innocents in this affair.”

“I see. And what of the counterfeiters themselves?”

Napoleon wasn’t sure what to say, at first. He looked at Illya who raised his shoulders in a gesture that said, _I don’t know what to say, either._ Finally, he thought of something. “Ah, unfortunately Sir, they ran into the woods to escape us and were attacked and killed by grizzlies. There were no survivors.”

“Thank you, Mr. Solo. Tell your fellow agents I said job well done. I look forward to both teams’ written reports. Waverly out.”

Napoleon disassembled his device, placed it in his shirt pocket and poured himself three fingers’ worth of Scotch and waited while his partner did the same with his vodka. He raised his glass and said, “It’s five o’clock somewhere, Illya. Cheers!”

“Nostrovia!” Illya said before downing his vodka in one shot. “Thank you, Mark and April, for the alcohol. You have no idea how badly we both needed this drink.”

Napoleon, who opted to sip his liquor, said, “I have to disagree; I think they do know. I have a couple of options for the three of you to consider: One, we can each talk about our Bigfoot encounters now. Two, we can act like they never happened. Three, we can talk about our experiences after we return to New York.”

April said, “I don’t think I could wait until we get to New York, Darling. I want to talk now.”

Mark opined, “I agree with my partner; this RV is a safe space in which to talk.”

Illya stated, “Talking about it now will help me process it all.”

Napoleon nodded. “I agree. Let’s talk. April and Mark, you first, starting with when we separated in Boise.”

Their conversation lasted almost five hours. The quartet shared all their experiences; their fears, their realizations and revelations, their epiphanies. It was cathartic for all of them.

Mark had offered to take over driving, but April insisted she wanted to do it so he treated himself to one of the beers he had bought. “I need to tell you that there was a point where April and I were afraid we might never see you again.”

“That thought crossed my mind, too,” Napoleon replied.

“When we get back to New York, we want to treat you both to dinner. You can’t refuse us, Mates. You did all the ‘eavy lifting during this affair. You never even needed us! Steak dinners at The Old ‘Omestead on us, whenever you’re ready. We won’t take no for an answer.”

Illya grinned. He was feeling better since knocking back the entire pint of the very good vodka the junior agents had bought for him. “You may live to regret the invitation, but on behalf of my partner and myself, I accept your generous offer.”


	13. Chapter 13

_Three months later…_

It was a Friday late afternoon and Illya and Napoleon were in their office finishing up paperwork in anticipation of having the next five days off. As usual, as soon as Illya put a noticeable dent in his paperwork, Napoleon slipped more into his inbox. The Russian was about to lodge a loud verbal complaint when a door knock was heard.

“Enter!” Napoleon called. The door opened to reveal April and Mark.

“Hi!” they said in unison as they moved to sit on the small couch against the wall. Mark crossed one leg over the other and told them, “April and I were just in a quick meeting with The Old Man.” 

Napoleon leaned back in his chair. “Really? About what?”

“He wanted to let us know that the FBI and the Treasury Department went to Colville to collect all the counterfeit money floating around the area.”

“Okay.”

Illya pulled his glasses off his face. “What reason did they give the populace to explain why they were there?”

Mark laughed. “That’s why Waverly wanted to see us; to let us know that the people of Colville, Pinckney City and the surrounding areas were told that Adelaide and Colin Murphy were deliberately spreading fake money around.”

“ _What?_ ” Illya shouted in mock horror. “The Murphys are criminals?”

“Yes, they are,” Mark said, “very smart criminals. Master counterfeiters, both of them. They’ve been two steps ahead of the FBI for months. You’ll be pleased to know that, at first, no one believed it because ( _he held up his hands to make air quotes_ ) ‘They were such nice people!’ but when the G – men started identifying counterfeit bills, their opinions about Adelaide and Colin changed fast enough to make your head spin. The good thing about it was that after the first fake showed up, _everybody_ wanted their money checked, even the bank and when counterfeit money showed up _there_ …”

“Let’s just say it wouldn’t go well for us if we ever went back,” April interjected. “That’s why Mr. Waverly wanted to see us; to tell us we must never go back there.”

Napoleon nodded, “So, the FBI confiscated all the fake cash and the people were left high and dry?”

Mark answered, “That’s usually what happens, but Waverly got Hoover to turn screws so that the Treasury Department replaced all the fakes collected with real money, so no one lost anything, except respect for the wife and me. Make you laugh; the FBI agents had lunch at Mary’s and she told them she should have known Colin was low – class after she spoke to a couple of hunters who ate there because one of them had a ‘beautiful English accent like royalty’ while Colin’s accent made him sound like he was from a slum.”

Napoleon inclined his head at his partner. “Your majesty,” he intoned with mock formality. He ducked the balled-up paper thrown his way in response easily.

April added, “We also followed up on the Pridgeon family. Ray enlisted in the Army a week after we left Colville and he’s doing well. His cousin slash sister Sharon is currently pregnant and Esther and Frank are over the moon with happiness.”

“That’s wonderful news! Good for them,” Napoleon said. “Isn’t it, Illya?”

“If you say so.”

“Oh, don’t be so grumpy, Darling! Were you able to figure anything out from those photographs I took of the footprints?”

“Not really. I have been doing some research and there are two trains of thought about these creatures. One, they are an, as yet, undiscovered species of ape or two, they are an, as yet, undiscovered species of man. Whether they are a type of ape or man, there is a possibility that there are different types within the species.”

“Like different breeds of dogs?” Mark asked.

“Yes, precisely. The Sasquatch in Washington State are considered different than the Skunk Ape of Florida and the Yeti of the Soviet Union.”

“Well,” April said, “ _we_ know they exist, even if no one else does. It’s unfortunate I wasn’t able to take a picture of the one outside the RV.”

“What will have to happen, more than likely,” Napoleon said, “is that one will have to be harvested in order to be studied.”

“Harvested,” repeated April. “That’s a nice way of saying killed.”

“Unfortunately, yes,” the Russian confirmed.

“Then I for one, hope that never happens.” April flipped her hair in annoyance. “There is still a place in this world for mystery.”

“Be that as it may,” Mark said, “are you two spending your time off together or what?”

Napoleon looked at his partner before saying, “I’m thinking that I want to cash in my chit for dinner at Peter Luger’s Steakhouse. You and April were wonderful to treat Illya and me to the Homestead, but that was weeks ago and I’m really feeling the need for red meat.”

Illya looked up from his paperwork. “And here I thought I would have a few days of freedom away from this clumsy ox.” He took the sting out of the words with a wink and smile at his partner.

Mark tapped April’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry about a thing, Mates; April and I will ‘old the fort down until you return. Whatever you decide to do, ‘ave a good time. See you later.” And with that, the junior agents left the office. 

“What do you think, Illya?” Napoleon asked. “I hadn’t given it much thought beyond you taking me to dinner, but would you like to spend our time off together?”

“I do not know. The last time we took a vacation together, we ran into Clara and ended up in Terbuf. Is there a place in the world where we will _not_ run into an ex of yours?” 

“I’m sure we can figure out a place to go. What do you say?”

Illya looked at his partner and smiled. “I will agree with a few conditions. No forests, no fishing or hunting, no cabins and no THRUSH. I will consider beaches, cities, museums and nightclubs with jazz and beautiful women.”

“That, my dear smart Russian, is a deal.”


End file.
